This is a hypothetical interview with the head of state of an imaginary country. Any resemblances to clowns in real life is purely coincidental and there IS NO PROOF.
We have with us in our studios Mr. Passive Pali Pardari the head of state of our neighbouring country and with him the chief editor of the esteemed news papers, "early morning, afternoon, evening, late night etc" in this edition of devil's advocate.
Me Karan :K
HE Passive Pali Pardari:PPP
Chief Editor:CE
K:MrPardari thanks for coming to our show.
PPP:there is no proof that they are from my country.
K:Sir, we have not yet asked that question anyways first things first lets agree on talking logically
CF:Your country is curtailing our fundamental rights by asking us to speak logically.
K:!@#?
You claim there is no proof that Kasab is not from your country although his parents have said hes their son
PPP:There is absolutely no proof about anything. As soon as proof comes we will act.
K:Ok lets change topic what do you think about the Mohammad Asif incidents?
PPP:there is no proof hes a Pak...
CF:(whispers in his ear) sir hes a cricket player who plays for our country, dont make a fool of your self.
PPP:Oh okok :( Hes from our country only.
K:After the hijacking of IC814 we had released Moulana Mazood azar which means that obviously hes a terrorist. Isnt that proof enough for him to be tried?
CF:Its a conspiracy by Mossad RAW and FBI to defame freedom struggle.
K:I wish I was interviewing Jayalalitha she at least got angry when cornered instead of coolly crapping bullshit :(
Anyways Mr. Pardari the boats that were recovered had loads of goods from your country what do you say for this?
PPP:Laughs to himself.. you never give up do you. We can explain anything.
The goods were stolen by RAW agents and stored in a dinghy. There is no proof.
Seriously, no one even knows how my wife was killed, there is still controversy on whether there was a bullet, we said no post mortem. There is no proof.
K:The rest of the show is yours tell whatever you wanna say.
PPP:We extend all support to India. I heard there is an ISI in India also seen it in many products from here. We can work together in destroying terrorism. We want proof. We also want cricket money and all.
K:Thanks for being in this show sir, guess "we want proof" is the new "that is a DLF maximum six".
This episode is being re telecast on america's funniest videos on vijay tv. Cheers
Friday, December 19, 2008
Sunday, November 30, 2008
its called intelligence for a reason
Burning outrage has been one familiar mood in Indian dressing rooms for around a week now. We have all been watching CNN IBN and NDTV instead of Kolangal, Maanaada Mayilada , Roadies and other such high IQ programs.
Much has been written about whatever has happened and I thought I will write something about what to do next instead of blaming home ministers and their second cousins.
a) There is no way we are going to convince eighteen year olds who have been soaked in Anti-India fervor since the time they were inside the womb, so those people who are speaking about peace, please take a one way ticket to somewhere like Switzerland.
We need to do something fast about POK where there are advanced courses and PHD offered in myriad fields of warfare. I understand they had used lakes to practice riding catamarans.
b)This is one thing that has puzzled me the most for a long time. I have read in Digital Fortress about the use of Stunt Guns to temporarily paralyze people. I guess its not TOO costly. I really cant fathom why its not used against terrorists
i)You can fire indiscriminately and not worry about injuring innocent people
11)You get live terrorists who can sing songs about where they came from and we can show the world the credibility of Pakistan's war on terror.
We use tranquilizers to catch wild animals like Elephants. The one reason they did not do that for Veerapan was I thought because some black specs uncles did not want him caught alive.
c)I guess Its called intelligence for a reason. (Yes I have managed to write the title somewhere)
But I have serious doubts about what RAW is upto. And I cant restrain myself to point out the ironical pun.
This organization is either too good that a reasonably well informed person like me doesnt even know what the recruitment procedure is or its just another wing of the screwed up Indian bureaucracy.
Its claimed they knew they were coming from the sea and might attack some star hotels.
But can we compare ourselves to a Mozzad or a CIA or an FBI? The US has 4 such agencies one each for a purpose.
I am sure RAW would have given many a false warning that the police would have not taken this one too seriously.
High time something serious was done or otherwise the "spirit of India" will just get used to living with bombs like we live with power cuts corruption and garbage.
Lets hope the value of our lives isn't a joke.
Much has been written about whatever has happened and I thought I will write something about what to do next instead of blaming home ministers and their second cousins.
a) There is no way we are going to convince eighteen year olds who have been soaked in Anti-India fervor since the time they were inside the womb, so those people who are speaking about peace, please take a one way ticket to somewhere like Switzerland.
We need to do something fast about POK where there are advanced courses and PHD offered in myriad fields of warfare. I understand they had used lakes to practice riding catamarans.
b)This is one thing that has puzzled me the most for a long time. I have read in Digital Fortress about the use of Stunt Guns to temporarily paralyze people. I guess its not TOO costly. I really cant fathom why its not used against terrorists
i)You can fire indiscriminately and not worry about injuring innocent people
11)You get live terrorists who can sing songs about where they came from and we can show the world the credibility of Pakistan's war on terror.
We use tranquilizers to catch wild animals like Elephants. The one reason they did not do that for Veerapan was I thought because some black specs uncles did not want him caught alive.
c)I guess Its called intelligence for a reason. (Yes I have managed to write the title somewhere)
But I have serious doubts about what RAW is upto. And I cant restrain myself to point out the ironical pun.
This organization is either too good that a reasonably well informed person like me doesnt even know what the recruitment procedure is or its just another wing of the screwed up Indian bureaucracy.
Its claimed they knew they were coming from the sea and might attack some star hotels.
But can we compare ourselves to a Mozzad or a CIA or an FBI? The US has 4 such agencies one each for a purpose.
I am sure RAW would have given many a false warning that the police would have not taken this one too seriously.
High time something serious was done or otherwise the "spirit of India" will just get used to living with bombs like we live with power cuts corruption and garbage.
Lets hope the value of our lives isn't a joke.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
our true colors
Scene:Aussie team hangout
Time:sometime after the famous Sydney test.
The conversation leads to this and that and finally Gilly brings out his lappy to show his pals the soft copy of his proposed autobiography titled "nick and walk".
Phil:pretty short mate all of just fifty pages han?
Gilly:OH yea thats why I came to you guys, I want some stuff to swell the content to say 500 pages what do I write about? I ve written about the Aussie attitude, my walking about my life and all but still...
Matt:Hey have you written about the Indian team?
Gilly:Er.. no, I mean, how is it relevant?
Punter:Of course it is, we got aap(screwed) in CB series, and thanks to bucksie we could pull it off in the tests. Moreover writing bad things about them ll get you lot of attention. Seriously dude do you think people will be interested to know where you did your kindergarden?
Gilly:Mm your right, so give me some input.
Monkey: Isnt there a format for this? First we start with bajji in traditional style. Talk about the way they called me monkey?
G:Isnt that over? I mean everything is settled? We realised he said something else. Its not like we dont racially abuse or sledge?
Lee:How could you gilly? I was in the dressing room and I could hear Harbhajan saying monkey its so obvious. And I want to suggest a new concept. Also write about how Sachin was a liar and stuff like that. You can always apologise to him over phone later.
G:Ok nice idea, anything else?
Pup:buw buw!! you know I have a secret crush on Sachin right? And when I went to their dressing room he did not shake hands with me at all. In fact I couldnt even see him. I felt very sad.
Matt:Now how cruel is that?
G:ok fair point wait I will note it down.
Huss:Hey remember the previous series in India?
G:you did not even play?
Huss: yea ok ok listen I watched it on TV and my bro and me were drunk, and you know we were crapping about how Bajji Saurav were scared of the Nagpur test. Hey please please add that also?
G:Ah, what is this man? ok with all the shit...
Warnie:Hey, You are my friend right? Murali just went ahead of me, can you write about how he chucks? it makes me feel kinda nice.
G:Ah ok..
Chappel:Can i also suggest something?
G:yea go on greg.
Chappel:You know my brothers and me used to play cricket in our garden. Can you publish that story also?
G:Hey you think this is tinkle?
Chappel:No I thought it would be a nice story.
G:nono, greg havent you told this story too often?
Punter:I will never be your friend if you dont write about Ishant sharma.
G:oksomething about him also. Think of something bad and I will include it.
G:Ok my autobiography is ready :D
fifty pages about me cricket and all that
fifty pages on haribhajan
and hundred pages on rest of the Indian team.
I have also allocated some pages for pictures with Indian greats like Sachin.
White:Hey the title kinda sucks, keep something more racist no? something about color?
Punter:Water colors?
Matt: how is that relevant? dude we are writing logical stuff here ok?
new Unnamed spinner:True colors?
G:Yea thats cool, it gives a subtle message about our superiority. Its also about me in a way
Pigeon:Hey but at the end of the day we go there and beg for money so dont write any more crap. God hope they dont send us home.
Time:sometime after the famous Sydney test.
The conversation leads to this and that and finally Gilly brings out his lappy to show his pals the soft copy of his proposed autobiography titled "nick and walk".
Phil:pretty short mate all of just fifty pages han?
Gilly:OH yea thats why I came to you guys, I want some stuff to swell the content to say 500 pages what do I write about? I ve written about the Aussie attitude, my walking about my life and all but still...
Matt:Hey have you written about the Indian team?
Gilly:Er.. no, I mean, how is it relevant?
Punter:Of course it is, we got aap(screwed) in CB series, and thanks to bucksie we could pull it off in the tests. Moreover writing bad things about them ll get you lot of attention. Seriously dude do you think people will be interested to know where you did your kindergarden?
Gilly:Mm your right, so give me some input.
G:Isnt that over? I mean everything is settled? We realised he said something else. Its not like we dont racially abuse or sledge?
Lee:How could you gilly? I was in the dressing room and I could hear Harbhajan saying monkey its so obvious. And I want to suggest a new concept. Also write about how Sachin was a liar and stuff like that. You can always apologise to him over phone later.
G:Ok nice idea, anything else?
Pup:buw buw!! you know I have a secret crush on Sachin right? And when I went to their dressing room he did not shake hands with me at all. In fact I couldnt even see him. I felt very sad.
Matt:Now how cruel is that?
G:ok fair point wait I will note it down.
Huss:Hey remember the previous series in India?
G:you did not even play?
Huss: yea ok ok listen I watched it on TV and my bro and me were drunk, and you know we were crapping about how Bajji Saurav were scared of the Nagpur test. Hey please please add that also?
G:Ah, what is this man? ok with all the shit...
Warnie:Hey, You are my friend right? Murali just went ahead of me, can you write about how he chucks? it makes me feel kinda nice.
G:Ah ok..
Chappel:Can i also suggest something?
G:yea go on greg.
Chappel:You know my brothers and me used to play cricket in our garden. Can you publish that story also?
G:Hey you think this is tinkle?
Chappel:No I thought it would be a nice story.
G:nono, greg havent you told this story too often?
Punter:I will never be your friend if you dont write about Ishant sharma.
G:oksomething about him also. Think of something bad and I will include it.
G:Ok my autobiography is ready :D
fifty pages about me cricket and all that
fifty pages on haribhajan
and hundred pages on rest of the Indian team.
I have also allocated some pages for pictures with Indian greats like Sachin.
White:Hey the title kinda sucks, keep something more racist no? something about color?
Punter:Water colors?
Matt: how is that relevant? dude we are writing logical stuff here ok?
new Unnamed spinner:True colors?
G:Yea thats cool, it gives a subtle message about our superiority. Its also about me in a way
Pigeon:Hey but at the end of the day we go there and beg for money so dont write any more crap. God hope they dont send us home.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
the making
Disclaimer: the following post is completely fictional and not aimed at any self respecting community which wants harmony. In the circumstance of a person of that community chancing upon this article I sincerely hope my description is accurate and you do appreciate my opinion.
No kid is born bad, no kid born a terrorist, no kid born a fool or an antisocial at least in my opinion. Its the people you meet, your education or lack of it, your culture, the movies you watch, the books you read that make you what you are.
In my case it was my dad or probably every male relative that was around.
I was born into an orthodox community of a religion thats being seen in a negative light thanks to people like us.
I grew up in domestic violence, son of one of many wives, a big big family drenched in backwardness. The irony was we were quite proud of our strict adherence to the laws.
But, I was sent to a decent English medium school much to the surprise of many. The reason given was that there needed to be some people who were well versed with the advancements of the world. Pretty broad minded you would say but it was only an half truth. I later learnt it was because they needed people to specialize in bomb making and other such advanced stuff hitherto unaccessible.
There were a lot of experiences during my schooling days and later which you might find funny which I ll share with you over the course of the next few posts.
I was a pretty strong and explosive kid, I grew up in domestic violence and the word "jihad" was more commonly used than even thank you or sorry.
I vividly remember in 1st grade when we were introduced to division, teacher introduced it using apples and people. So we learnt all integer addition, 4 apples among 4 people gives one apple per person and 6 apples among three people gives 2 apples per person yadayada. Then for teasing us she asked how would you divide 3 apples among four guys, my hand shot up.
I said "thats easy, kill one guy!!".
Something was terribly wrong with that kid.
to be continued
No kid is born bad, no kid born a terrorist, no kid born a fool or an antisocial at least in my opinion. Its the people you meet, your education or lack of it, your culture, the movies you watch, the books you read that make you what you are.
In my case it was my dad or probably every male relative that was around.
I was born into an orthodox community of a religion thats being seen in a negative light thanks to people like us.
I grew up in domestic violence, son of one of many wives, a big big family drenched in backwardness. The irony was we were quite proud of our strict adherence to the laws.
But, I was sent to a decent English medium school much to the surprise of many. The reason given was that there needed to be some people who were well versed with the advancements of the world. Pretty broad minded you would say but it was only an half truth. I later learnt it was because they needed people to specialize in bomb making and other such advanced stuff hitherto unaccessible.
There were a lot of experiences during my schooling days and later which you might find funny which I ll share with you over the course of the next few posts.
I was a pretty strong and explosive kid, I grew up in domestic violence and the word "jihad" was more commonly used than even thank you or sorry.
I vividly remember in 1st grade when we were introduced to division, teacher introduced it using apples and people. So we learnt all integer addition, 4 apples among 4 people gives one apple per person and 6 apples among three people gives 2 apples per person yadayada. Then for teasing us she asked how would you divide 3 apples among four guys, my hand shot up.
I said "thats easy, kill one guy!!".
Something was terribly wrong with that kid.
to be continued
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
I am such a....
Thats what I was telling Harith for the greater part of one week. We were sharing a secret that was growing on us, slowly dissolving us in guilt, dissolving me atleast. He had done nothing just been with me. This is how that fateful evening transpired.
It was December one of those rare few months we could spend time like we used to back in school and having exhausted most of the chilling out spots in Chennai (oh sooo many of them) we decided to hit it off to Mayajaal on the outskirts for a picture and probably a game of pool. We had loads of fun and were coming back at around eleven in the night.
I always had this huge fetish for high speed and promptly hit the pedal on the eight lane OMR.
You guessed it I hit something. There was a loud AMMA and instincts made me go faster. It was a good five minutes later, when I could no longer drive with sweat all over me that I stopped looking at an equally sheepish Harith. We couldnt speak.
"What did we just do" was what he managed after a good five minutes later my head was in my arms throbbing. The distant sound of a siren, and we had to think fast. Surrender, the right thing to do the sensible thing to do, but in these situations its just saving your skin I guess.
IT would have been seven the next morning when I finally stopped saying "I am such a ...." Harith consoled me, reasoned that there was the chance nothing might have happened.
Half an hour later we ran to the gate to catch the newspaper, and through the corner of my eye I could see my dad gleaming with pride looking at "the enthusiasm of the youngsters these days".
One accident in Veppery, one in Tambaram both minor none on the OMR. We were probably the most relieved souls in the world.
We slept a sound 8 hrs played cricket and sat counted our blessings went out for Pizzas and retired.
"A 60 year old tailor was run over on the wee hours of last morning here in OMR" screamed the third page". I sat gaping as my dad was ecstatic at seeing my devastation over the Mendis massacre. Patriotism is rare among teenagers.
Harith was back poor thing. We sat discussed the plan of action. We learnt she was admitted in the Chettinad hospital so I had a chance to own up if I wanted to.
Harith told me only this; to trust what my heart told me and he would stand by whatever I did.
I would have owned up if the next day's paper did not feature an obituary of the same teacher giving the details about the funeral the next day.
Trust me you would never want to feel like that. Watching Clint Eastwood shooting five men like sparrows might be cool but being the cause for purging everything someone had and would ever ever have is really horrible.
I was numb with guilt. Couldn't eat the whole day, dad asked me to cheer up, "its just a game son one day mendis one day douglas marillier".
That distinctive male baritone "AMMA" kept ringing in my ear.
He was probably a good man who had a family, had kids. Probably he was proud of his good-for-nothing son too.
I had had enough, that evening I took Harith and went to the address mentioned in the poster.
It was this narrow alley, and it was filled with people, most of them opining the spineless bastard who had killed such a wonderful teacher should rot in hell.
Unanimous hatred, never felt it before never want to again.
Why couldnt he have accidentally been a bad ass gangster? or a goat? Or a pathetic teacher who used to molest students?
The body was too mangled and they had covered him from head to toe.
As the walls shrunk to crush me, as everything started to whirl, and the big mass of my best friend literally holding me became a blur, I yelled "ok I killed him, I killed your dad, your husband , your favorite teacher, your son whatever just bash me to death I killed Rajamani". And I sobbed till I realised I wasnt touched yet.
An old frail looking man, red with sorrow, came up and instead of slapping me, just asked
"did you say you killed Rajamani?"
"Yes am afraid so"
"you killed my wife?"
"you mean your brother?"
"No did you hit my wife and run?"
"Your wife? Rajamani is not a man?"
Harith quickly did damage control, explained the cause of confusion and apologised for interrupting the funeral.
And guess what? I also met the man who was the owner of the "AMMA" he had come for funeral too, he had a bandaid to show for that night and that's all and he couldn't say much to the cry baby except a fake "Its ok my man" with a pat on my back.
When we reached my car, I hugged Harith till I realised some curious onlookers might have thought we were curious.
I sat in the car wiped my face, hit the pedal to celebrate the spirit of life, great relief and the wind on my face was such a beautiful feeling.
Just then there was a loud thud
and I heard "AMMMAA"
Harith am such a....
PS:Although I know you would never do whatever I claimed you did above, Harith loser I still love ya
It was December one of those rare few months we could spend time like we used to back in school and having exhausted most of the chilling out spots in Chennai (oh sooo many of them) we decided to hit it off to Mayajaal on the outskirts for a picture and probably a game of pool. We had loads of fun and were coming back at around eleven in the night.
I always had this huge fetish for high speed and promptly hit the pedal on the eight lane OMR.
You guessed it I hit something. There was a loud AMMA and instincts made me go faster. It was a good five minutes later, when I could no longer drive with sweat all over me that I stopped looking at an equally sheepish Harith. We couldnt speak.
"What did we just do" was what he managed after a good five minutes later my head was in my arms throbbing. The distant sound of a siren, and we had to think fast. Surrender, the right thing to do the sensible thing to do, but in these situations its just saving your skin I guess.
IT would have been seven the next morning when I finally stopped saying "I am such a ...." Harith consoled me, reasoned that there was the chance nothing might have happened.
Half an hour later we ran to the gate to catch the newspaper, and through the corner of my eye I could see my dad gleaming with pride looking at "the enthusiasm of the youngsters these days".
One accident in Veppery, one in Tambaram both minor none on the OMR. We were probably the most relieved souls in the world.
We slept a sound 8 hrs played cricket and sat counted our blessings went out for Pizzas and retired.
"A 60 year old tailor was run over on the wee hours of last morning here in OMR" screamed the third page". I sat gaping as my dad was ecstatic at seeing my devastation over the Mendis massacre. Patriotism is rare among teenagers.
Harith was back poor thing. We sat discussed the plan of action. We learnt she was admitted in the Chettinad hospital so I had a chance to own up if I wanted to.
Harith told me only this; to trust what my heart told me and he would stand by whatever I did.
I would have owned up if the next day's paper did not feature an obituary of the same teacher giving the details about the funeral the next day.
Trust me you would never want to feel like that. Watching Clint Eastwood shooting five men like sparrows might be cool but being the cause for purging everything someone had and would ever ever have is really horrible.
I was numb with guilt. Couldn't eat the whole day, dad asked me to cheer up, "its just a game son one day mendis one day douglas marillier".
That distinctive male baritone "AMMA" kept ringing in my ear.
He was probably a good man who had a family, had kids. Probably he was proud of his good-for-nothing son too.
I had had enough, that evening I took Harith and went to the address mentioned in the poster.
It was this narrow alley, and it was filled with people, most of them opining the spineless bastard who had killed such a wonderful teacher should rot in hell.
Unanimous hatred, never felt it before never want to again.
Why couldnt he have accidentally been a bad ass gangster? or a goat? Or a pathetic teacher who used to molest students?
The body was too mangled and they had covered him from head to toe.
As the walls shrunk to crush me, as everything started to whirl, and the big mass of my best friend literally holding me became a blur, I yelled "ok I killed him, I killed your dad, your husband , your favorite teacher, your son whatever just bash me to death I killed Rajamani". And I sobbed till I realised I wasnt touched yet.
An old frail looking man, red with sorrow, came up and instead of slapping me, just asked
"did you say you killed Rajamani?"
"Yes am afraid so"
"you killed my wife?"
"you mean your brother?"
"No did you hit my wife and run?"
"Your wife? Rajamani is not a man?"
Harith quickly did damage control, explained the cause of confusion and apologised for interrupting the funeral.
And guess what? I also met the man who was the owner of the "AMMA" he had come for funeral too, he had a bandaid to show for that night and that's all and he couldn't say much to the cry baby except a fake "Its ok my man" with a pat on my back.
When we reached my car, I hugged Harith till I realised some curious onlookers might have thought we were curious.
I sat in the car wiped my face, hit the pedal to celebrate the spirit of life, great relief and the wind on my face was such a beautiful feeling.
Just then there was a loud thud
and I heard "AMMMAA"
Harith am such a....
PS:Although I know you would never do whatever I claimed you did above, Harith loser I still love ya
Saturday, October 11, 2008
The Celestial Chat
The following is not intended to hurt the religious sentiments of any community. It is purely fictional and an innocent take on myths. Am a great fan of the epics myself and am really proud of them.
This conversation is a Gchat between Duriyodhana and Lord Krishna after they have long finished their terestrial duties and have some time to fool around.
krish_coolcasanova@gmail.com (K)
duru_badass@gmail.com (D)
D: hi Krishna
K: hi duru man sup wid u?
D: jus la dat..kinda bored... death sucks
K: I no "yadha yadha.."
D: ah no am not arjun..dont start that all over again... actually am so fatigued
K: u no i actually wanted to speak with you on earth itself but what with dharm winning an all der was too much politics
D: I no i no it was such a shame we had huge armies da best of commanders and still we lost :(
K: i no my man happens.. its always been la dat wen it comes to me da enemies are all very naïve
Once der was dis bloke called hiranyaksha. he decided to abduct my round spherical wife Booma Devi and he folded her like a mat and hid her under da sea
D: come again
folded a sphere like a mat?
K: i no he seems to have known Reimannian geometry in Kritha yuga
I watched this movie called dark knight.. kickass.. In which avatar will i get a villian like that I mean Joker was mindblowing?
D:I was competent wasnt I?
K:LMAO!! you knew you were the villian of a grand epic and ved vyas was writin about whatever was happenin shudnt u have known u ll get screwed? Any epic bad guys get screwed.
D: hmm yea.. but ...
K: not only that you lacked any plannin what were you even thinking?
D: i accept i was foolish what should i have done?
K: to begin with you shuda planned da war better ashwathama was in ur side rite? and do u realise he dusnt die?
D: yea?
K: you cuda just hid karna behind ashwathama forming a human fence kinda thing and defeated da whole pandava army
D: hmm yea probably but look at u cudnt u have taught arjun all dat before the war?
K: well probably but it was just to show inspite of all dat u suckers lost
u no lifes kinda borin
i need better villians
der was dis mockery of an uncle of mine called kamsa
people had warned him dat his 9th nephew will kill him
wat did he do?
he imprisoned my mum and dad in da same prison instead of seperating them
an 8th grade biology knowledge is enuf 2 reason out all this..
D: yeayea... true
i just realised somethin
things cuda been far worse
u no dis story about me tappin ma thighs signalling 2 draupathi
and dats y bhim killed me by splittin ma thigh?
if i had pointed to somethin more vulgar.. i wuda had such a shameful tragic death :O
K: k man gtg Ruku is callin.. polygamy kinda sucks man
D: tell me about it.. anyway tc..
To be continued......
This conversation is a Gchat between Duriyodhana and Lord Krishna after they have long finished their terestrial duties and have some time to fool around.
krish_coolcasanova@gmail.com (K)
duru_badass@gmail.com (D)
D: hi Krishna
K: hi duru man sup wid u?
D: jus la dat..kinda bored... death sucks
K: I no "yadha yadha.."
D: ah no am not arjun..dont start that all over again... actually am so fatigued
K: u no i actually wanted to speak with you on earth itself but what with dharm winning an all der was too much politics
D: I no i no it was such a shame we had huge armies da best of commanders and still we lost :(
K: i no my man happens.. its always been la dat wen it comes to me da enemies are all very naïve
Once der was dis bloke called hiranyaksha. he decided to abduct my round spherical wife Booma Devi and he folded her like a mat and hid her under da sea
D: come again
folded a sphere like a mat?
K: i no he seems to have known Reimannian geometry in Kritha yuga
I watched this movie called dark knight.. kickass.. In which avatar will i get a villian like that I mean Joker was mindblowing?
D:I was competent wasnt I?
K:LMAO!! you knew you were the villian of a grand epic and ved vyas was writin about whatever was happenin shudnt u have known u ll get screwed? Any epic bad guys get screwed.
D: hmm yea.. but ...
K: not only that you lacked any plannin what were you even thinking?
D: i accept i was foolish what should i have done?
K: to begin with you shuda planned da war better ashwathama was in ur side rite? and do u realise he dusnt die?
D: yea?
K: you cuda just hid karna behind ashwathama forming a human fence kinda thing and defeated da whole pandava army
D: hmm yea probably but look at u cudnt u have taught arjun all dat before the war?
K: well probably but it was just to show inspite of all dat u suckers lost
u no lifes kinda borin
i need better villians
der was dis mockery of an uncle of mine called kamsa
people had warned him dat his 9th nephew will kill him
wat did he do?
he imprisoned my mum and dad in da same prison instead of seperating them
an 8th grade biology knowledge is enuf 2 reason out all this..
D: yeayea... true
i just realised somethin
things cuda been far worse
u no dis story about me tappin ma thighs signalling 2 draupathi
and dats y bhim killed me by splittin ma thigh?
if i had pointed to somethin more vulgar.. i wuda had such a shameful tragic death :O
K: k man gtg Ruku is callin.. polygamy kinda sucks man
D: tell me about it.. anyway tc..
To be continued......
Thursday, October 9, 2008
The wonderful state among Kyrgyzstan
You might have study about great civilization of globe, Mesapotamia,Crete, The Indian civilisation, Hispanics, Europeans, white men, black men, small men, round men and yes of course even non-muslims and women. It is great sorrow when people doesnt know about the great country of Kyrgyzstand the land of Kyrgyzs(s) (plural) the land with the people who called name with no vowels. I moved when I see Borat about Kazakhstan, our country better national anthem. I want to to tell about Kyrgyzs.
The long history of Kyrgyzs people is stitched in the anals of history. The great tradition of poppy growing, hashish some ganja all give very high.
Kyrgyzs got independance on 31st August 1991 very beautiful day. Freedom fighters all very brave men. Down with soviet states. Coming back to country, famous for its mountains and passes on women also. Very amazing women, although beauty pegeants are banned according to sharia law.
One important poppy growing town is Barak where some important enemy country head was born. Such is history of Kyrgyzs the land of the plently our mothersland.
Lets go one by one.
Flag:
Tje 40-rayed sun gives symbolic limit on the number of times on can wed in one lifetime. Sun represents manhood. The lines represent ..... The lines inside the sun.. oh you get the picture..
The red color of the flag stands for peace and openness, yes red color stands for peace.
Traditions:
Bride Kidnapping: Is the oldest tradition of Kyrgyzs and is a popular recreational activity among the peoples and is participated by the young the old alike.
Religion: The only country with stan in its name without moon or star in our flag. We have sun. and we also have man son(national average around 20)
Education: People of our nation are very forward thinkings and we have decided that education will no longer be distant nightmare. There will be education here by 2030.
Sports:
Transport: Yak carts are very modern form of transport and widely used for faster transport we use hyenas.
Recently I read this article about Kyrgyzs people in famous english magazine( it also had good-good picture) and am proud to say we have been described as No-mads.
I happy to be kyrgyzs I happy and gay.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
duh, no, f u and great
I ve been this good avid news watcher and luckily I was born at a time when there was only DD so I can appreciate how so very different news channels are today. And over the past five years, what we get as news has surely changed in India.
To go to the positives first, (as you mighta guessed this post is about the negatives) and they are few in number
the news channels claim to give unbiased news
there are sting missions at least once a year
Coverage is really quick, so I can know if Bipasha's kittens have dysentery in around one hour.
And they have these awesome interviews which is what this post is about.
If you watch any of these headlines today, IBN,24 7, you would be familiar with these on site interviews these news people conduct. And my frank opinion is, if you are a smart interviewee (the unfortunate soul whose forced to answer questions) you can pick your answers from this 4 member set (duh!!!, no, f u, and great)
duh-for obvious questions like: student, do you think mr. arjun singh is retarded?~duh and so r u~
NO-for pathetic questions like: china, will you ever be nice to india ~NO~
f u:for narada questions which are asked for creating furore and confusion:Saif we heard you forgot Kareena's bday, is it ok? ~f u~ shows both his fingers~
great/bad:for questions about how you feel after achieving something great: Monica Bedi how you feel after being thrown out of Big Boss, the totally novel idea of a reality show only in India which is so important for the nation? ~i feel bad~
here are some examples:
Interview with Gujarat earth quake victim:
You have lost everyone in your family because of the earthquake, how do you feel about it? ~sad ~loads a pistol ~
do you think you should have had earthquake proof house
~yes~ ~one more bullet~
now one more question and ...
Hi, dhoni how do you feel about the ICC award?
great?
What are your feelings about doing well?
great?
Do you use Mysore sandal soap?
no
What do you think of Dipika padukone?
great?
Many have said you are better than Kumble in captaincy, Narayana Narayana. What do you think?
i know how to answer this question :m||m
Arushi's mum
Is Arushi Talwat dead?
NO shes a zombie
How do you feel about your daughter's death?
great?
Did your husband kill Arushi Talwar?
YES and the astrologers have predicted anyway one else who speaks to me today is going to die.
Did you daughter have an...
HONEY, if your anyway convicted can you kill this bitch also?
Its high time we came down heavily on criticizing asking sensitive question, to intimidate and harass people.
If the media does need some mileage there are numerous areas uncovered, police bribes on the street, untended schools, deserving achievers who die anonymous and a country that predominantly doesnt even know its fundamental rights.
Please educate dont pass time.
The next time I watch TV please show me some news?
To go to the positives first, (as you mighta guessed this post is about the negatives) and they are few in number
the news channels claim to give unbiased news
there are sting missions at least once a year
Coverage is really quick, so I can know if Bipasha's kittens have dysentery in around one hour.
And they have these awesome interviews which is what this post is about.
If you watch any of these headlines today, IBN,24 7, you would be familiar with these on site interviews these news people conduct. And my frank opinion is, if you are a smart interviewee (the unfortunate soul whose forced to answer questions) you can pick your answers from this 4 member set (duh!!!, no, f u, and great)
duh-for obvious questions like: student, do you think mr. arjun singh is retarded?~duh and so r u~
NO-for pathetic questions like: china, will you ever be nice to india ~NO~
f u:for narada questions which are asked for creating furore and confusion:Saif we heard you forgot Kareena's bday, is it ok? ~f u~ shows both his fingers~
great/bad:for questions about how you feel after achieving something great: Monica Bedi how you feel after being thrown out of Big Boss, the totally novel idea of a reality show only in India which is so important for the nation? ~i feel bad~
here are some examples:
Interview with Gujarat earth quake victim:
You have lost everyone in your family because of the earthquake, how do you feel about it? ~sad ~loads a pistol ~
do you think you should have had earthquake proof house
~yes~ ~one more bullet~
now one more question and ...
Hi, dhoni how do you feel about the ICC award?
great?
What are your feelings about doing well?
great?
Do you use Mysore sandal soap?
no
What do you think of Dipika padukone?
great?
Many have said you are better than Kumble in captaincy, Narayana Narayana. What do you think?
i know how to answer this question :m||m
Arushi's mum
Is Arushi Talwat dead?
NO shes a zombie
How do you feel about your daughter's death?
great?
Did your husband kill Arushi Talwar?
YES and the astrologers have predicted anyway one else who speaks to me today is going to die.
Did you daughter have an...
HONEY, if your anyway convicted can you kill this bitch also?
Its high time we came down heavily on criticizing asking sensitive question, to intimidate and harass people.
If the media does need some mileage there are numerous areas uncovered, police bribes on the street, untended schools, deserving achievers who die anonymous and a country that predominantly doesnt even know its fundamental rights.
Please educate dont pass time.
The next time I watch TV please show me some news?
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
the last days
http://edition.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/meast/03/27/hussein.journal/index.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saddam_hussein
might help before reading this entry.
Head of the Arab world, millions of lives dependent on a nod from me, a year later in a cell VIC is my nick Very Important Criminal - wait a minute I still am the president of Iraq. At least that's what I tell my guards.
Painful relief is all I can say, months of running and hiding, at the mercy of countrymen sometimes death is a lot more sweeter.
I do concede I've learnt a lot about life in these days of confinement that I ever did as a world power. Pardon me if i speak philosophy, when you have a week to live, trust me every minute gives you new meaning.
I was captured on this cloudy night I was too scared to fight, I admit, I let down my men I should have died valiantly like my sons, that day the illusion of the valiant lion metaphor that even I believed in came crashing down.
Those days as a fugitive, agony, shock and bafflement at what people actually thought of me.
I was not a Gandhi, nor was I even a Nasser who I modelled myself on, but I certainly wasn't selfish, I worked within my conscience.
Born in a middle class peasant household, I grew up in penury. The means to reaching the top might not have always been right, but the end?
Iraq was the only country not ruled by sharia law, the most liberal towards women, Iraq had free education schemes, Modernisation, oil for food program, WHAT NOT, i obviously believed people loved me. You cant blame for that also you know, as every time it happens in history, I was surrounded by people who would do anything for my notice all that I heard was that I was the most benevolent, the beloved leader and you couldn't think otherwise from my office in Baghdad, there were statues of me, cut outs kids being named Saddam, I mistook fear for affection.
Ruling an Arabic nation is not a joke, and mine was really tough, you see there were the Kurds to the north, they would panic at the mention of Arabia, and guess where they were living?
And then there were the Shias who opposed in the name of blasphemy any modern move I took. I did have to use my iron hand sometime you see if I hadn't I would have been killed and yes I do love my life. You would probably relate to me if you were Muslim or were even familiar with the stories of Muslim kings. You would probably realize I was the ruler under whom there was maximum stability, under whom the country flourished, under whom The Persian gulf was at its zenith.
At least that's what I thought. Now how is Iraq better off? I gassed Kurds for trying to assassinate me, Bush air strikes them. Is it more fun to be air struck? Is it more fun to live under a foreigner than under a thoughtful father who cared for his kids,but i do agree;went over the top st times?
peace
Ok, 3 days for my execution, things become a lot more clear, I love my people I love my Iraq, I misused my power, I was selfish sometimes, ok I went astray. Genocide was clearly atrocious, but absolute power corrupts.
Hey, and I've been tending on a flowerbed this past week, never had time for all this, outside the green uniform life has been quite a treat. Probably for the first time ever, I've thought and reflected on my life. Sixty years, so many occasions of feeling on top of the world, kids, grandsons, concubines, power, it never got boring. And then to make amends for all that a cruel death, a mockery of a trial and death like an anonymous.
not so peaceful
OK finally the day has come, death of a seen-it-all man, a patriot who didn't know how to prove it. I ask Allah if he's happy with me, if I've lived a purposeful life, I've done so much for Iraq, yet gauging by how the people are so happy today I guess they think they would be happy without me. They prefer getting annexed to the West, being puppets,then so be it. I found something for people to learn from my life.
How not to live it.
Miss me
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saddam_hussein
might help before reading this entry.
Head of the Arab world, millions of lives dependent on a nod from me, a year later in a cell VIC is my nick Very Important Criminal - wait a minute I still am the president of Iraq. At least that's what I tell my guards.
Painful relief is all I can say, months of running and hiding, at the mercy of countrymen sometimes death is a lot more sweeter.
I do concede I've learnt a lot about life in these days of confinement that I ever did as a world power. Pardon me if i speak philosophy, when you have a week to live, trust me every minute gives you new meaning.
I was captured on this cloudy night I was too scared to fight, I admit, I let down my men I should have died valiantly like my sons, that day the illusion of the valiant lion metaphor that even I believed in came crashing down.
Those days as a fugitive, agony, shock and bafflement at what people actually thought of me.
I was not a Gandhi, nor was I even a Nasser who I modelled myself on, but I certainly wasn't selfish, I worked within my conscience.
Born in a middle class peasant household, I grew up in penury. The means to reaching the top might not have always been right, but the end?
Iraq was the only country not ruled by sharia law, the most liberal towards women, Iraq had free education schemes, Modernisation, oil for food program, WHAT NOT, i obviously believed people loved me. You cant blame for that also you know, as every time it happens in history, I was surrounded by people who would do anything for my notice all that I heard was that I was the most benevolent, the beloved leader and you couldn't think otherwise from my office in Baghdad, there were statues of me, cut outs kids being named Saddam, I mistook fear for affection.
Ruling an Arabic nation is not a joke, and mine was really tough, you see there were the Kurds to the north, they would panic at the mention of Arabia, and guess where they were living?
And then there were the Shias who opposed in the name of blasphemy any modern move I took. I did have to use my iron hand sometime you see if I hadn't I would have been killed and yes I do love my life. You would probably relate to me if you were Muslim or were even familiar with the stories of Muslim kings. You would probably realize I was the ruler under whom there was maximum stability, under whom the country flourished, under whom The Persian gulf was at its zenith.
At least that's what I thought. Now how is Iraq better off? I gassed Kurds for trying to assassinate me, Bush air strikes them. Is it more fun to be air struck? Is it more fun to live under a foreigner than under a thoughtful father who cared for his kids,but i do agree;went over the top st times?
peace
Ok, 3 days for my execution, things become a lot more clear, I love my people I love my Iraq, I misused my power, I was selfish sometimes, ok I went astray. Genocide was clearly atrocious, but absolute power corrupts.
Hey, and I've been tending on a flowerbed this past week, never had time for all this, outside the green uniform life has been quite a treat. Probably for the first time ever, I've thought and reflected on my life. Sixty years, so many occasions of feeling on top of the world, kids, grandsons, concubines, power, it never got boring. And then to make amends for all that a cruel death, a mockery of a trial and death like an anonymous.
not so peaceful
OK finally the day has come, death of a seen-it-all man, a patriot who didn't know how to prove it. I ask Allah if he's happy with me, if I've lived a purposeful life, I've done so much for Iraq, yet gauging by how the people are so happy today I guess they think they would be happy without me. They prefer getting annexed to the West, being puppets,then so be it. I found something for people to learn from my life.
How not to live it.
Miss me
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
when will ya come out?
Every gang has its baby, the guy who looks the smallest, an undeveloped mush and beard, really cute and pink in color. We had one too, and this is about him something that shook ma outlook toward life.
We were so used to calling him baby that many even forgot his real name, even the juniors in school called him baby, even my younger brother.
He loved it too because girls just found him irresistibly cute. But that very fact made them not go beyond and consider him a man, they were really comfortable around him and the most disastrous of all didn't think of him more than a 'baby' :p.
Some of the people in my gang including yours truly were still in the early stages of figuring out what commitment really was, some successful some not so, well you know how it goes.
high school is such a funny period, people confused, thinking of lifetime romances some not even knowing what they were doing. The guys who were not so lucky kept trying their best to get a girl. Peer pressure at its lethal best.
One day we were all sitting in the ground pretending to study, keeping the edge of the book at eye level so as to peek at the girls sitting and studying/pretending on the opposite side. You know if someone actually observed us they woulda thought we were real sincere sweethearts..torch bearers of the youth.
That's when a girl came to us, spoke to a guy she had broken up with(its actually called dumped). Almost as soon as she went all of us pounced on the poor Devdas asking him to narrate the entire convo.
Apparently nisha the school babe (they always have these cool names) thought baby would be a great boyfriend. You see girls have this tricky way of conveying things, totally non-commital, if you arent well guarded there is a great chance you going to buy a dog, grow a beard and search for wine shops for atleast a year.
Baby jumped the gun. And it was very surprizing that things actually happened. They were seen holding hands the next day in the neighborhood cafe.
Many were jelous, they had tried for nisha themselves, some including me were really happy for baby.
Baby gave us a treat for the 15th day anniversary and one more for the first month, man for foodies like me this was the greatest thing that happened, bless Nisha.
But my happiness was shortlived. One day the female called baby to tell him some weird reasons for breaking up. It always happens the same way, feeling guilty about parents, i need more personal space( ya they want to launch research satellites) but theres always THE reason.
We found out the next day, some of N's friends (girlfriend's friends = GOD) had a problem with baby not being able to shave.
They just couldn take their close friend going out with a baby.
Its not very often in life you feel totally screwed, but when someone tells you you are not good enough, trust me its like the worst feeling on earth. You feel like just dissapearing off somewhere, sometimes you just lose all the ego and beg your love for one more chance.
Well thats what baby did, he promised her he ll grow one in some time, afterall he was trying from 9th std. He shaved his soft cheeks extra hard, but all that came out was his cheeks turning to a deep shade of pink.
Sometimes I used to envy baby for not needing to slog it out in front of the wash basin mirror, trying to remove those troublesome stubles, but things were getting real sad.
Baby woke up everyday rushed to the bathroom to observe what the status was. It was very similar to the way i used to dig up the soil and see if the germinated seeds had started to grow or no. I tried talking sense, did he even need to be with someone like her, but loves just crazy you know totally..unpredictable absolutely no logic.
Like the last nail in the coffin, one day baby game teary eyed to me, the bitch had given him a deadline, to grow a .5cm beard or she was going to move on.
He had just started to get what would be mushes one day but they were still formative, and under other circumstances it would have been cause for a treat but .5cm in a month?
The last week before the deadline was some crappy hols and on the reopening day, voila baby had this really cool what ever they call - line that joins the centre of the lips to the centre of the chin and I was like soo soo happy for the man.
Almost everyone who had heard of the developments gathered to see the happy ending, baby getting his girl back and soon we were watching both of them.
Nisha apologised for being such a jerk and asking for a beard and opined baby looked real cute now. Baby as usual turned pink in embaressment. She told him how much she loved him and the usual i wanna b wid u for ever shit. Baby spoke in his cute voice. "ive brought something for you that i wanna show you"
"oh really cho chweet wots it?"
bay opened his hand, there was nothing, and in one swift movement closed everything but the great finger. He rotated it towards her turned walked off and dissapeared from the corridor.
I was just thinking of when the others in my gang would grow from babies to men.
We were so used to calling him baby that many even forgot his real name, even the juniors in school called him baby, even my younger brother.
He loved it too because girls just found him irresistibly cute. But that very fact made them not go beyond and consider him a man, they were really comfortable around him and the most disastrous of all didn't think of him more than a 'baby' :p.
Some of the people in my gang including yours truly were still in the early stages of figuring out what commitment really was, some successful some not so, well you know how it goes.
high school is such a funny period, people confused, thinking of lifetime romances some not even knowing what they were doing. The guys who were not so lucky kept trying their best to get a girl. Peer pressure at its lethal best.
One day we were all sitting in the ground pretending to study, keeping the edge of the book at eye level so as to peek at the girls sitting and studying/pretending on the opposite side. You know if someone actually observed us they woulda thought we were real sincere sweethearts..torch bearers of the youth.
That's when a girl came to us, spoke to a guy she had broken up with(its actually called dumped). Almost as soon as she went all of us pounced on the poor Devdas asking him to narrate the entire convo.
Apparently nisha the school babe (they always have these cool names) thought baby would be a great boyfriend. You see girls have this tricky way of conveying things, totally non-commital, if you arent well guarded there is a great chance you going to buy a dog, grow a beard and search for wine shops for atleast a year.
Baby jumped the gun. And it was very surprizing that things actually happened. They were seen holding hands the next day in the neighborhood cafe.
Many were jelous, they had tried for nisha themselves, some including me were really happy for baby.
Baby gave us a treat for the 15th day anniversary and one more for the first month, man for foodies like me this was the greatest thing that happened, bless Nisha.
But my happiness was shortlived. One day the female called baby to tell him some weird reasons for breaking up. It always happens the same way, feeling guilty about parents, i need more personal space( ya they want to launch research satellites) but theres always THE reason.
We found out the next day, some of N's friends (girlfriend's friends = GOD) had a problem with baby not being able to shave.
They just couldn take their close friend going out with a baby.
Its not very often in life you feel totally screwed, but when someone tells you you are not good enough, trust me its like the worst feeling on earth. You feel like just dissapearing off somewhere, sometimes you just lose all the ego and beg your love for one more chance.
Well thats what baby did, he promised her he ll grow one in some time, afterall he was trying from 9th std. He shaved his soft cheeks extra hard, but all that came out was his cheeks turning to a deep shade of pink.
Sometimes I used to envy baby for not needing to slog it out in front of the wash basin mirror, trying to remove those troublesome stubles, but things were getting real sad.
Baby woke up everyday rushed to the bathroom to observe what the status was. It was very similar to the way i used to dig up the soil and see if the germinated seeds had started to grow or no. I tried talking sense, did he even need to be with someone like her, but loves just crazy you know totally..unpredictable absolutely no logic.
Like the last nail in the coffin, one day baby game teary eyed to me, the bitch had given him a deadline, to grow a .5cm beard or she was going to move on.
He had just started to get what would be mushes one day but they were still formative, and under other circumstances it would have been cause for a treat but .5cm in a month?
The last week before the deadline was some crappy hols and on the reopening day, voila baby had this really cool what ever they call - line that joins the centre of the lips to the centre of the chin and I was like soo soo happy for the man.
Almost everyone who had heard of the developments gathered to see the happy ending, baby getting his girl back and soon we were watching both of them.
Nisha apologised for being such a jerk and asking for a beard and opined baby looked real cute now. Baby as usual turned pink in embaressment. She told him how much she loved him and the usual i wanna b wid u for ever shit. Baby spoke in his cute voice. "ive brought something for you that i wanna show you"
"oh really cho chweet wots it?"
bay opened his hand, there was nothing, and in one swift movement closed everything but the great finger. He rotated it towards her turned walked off and dissapeared from the corridor.
I was just thinking of when the others in my gang would grow from babies to men.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
the coffin
We decided to give preference to age and an old frail looking man obviously got preference over everyone else and he started narrating his story of someone he knew very personally. (A true happening he claimed)
The story goes this way:
He woke up into pitch darkness as he tried to fathom where he was right now, what he was doing. The last thing he remembered was crashing his mercedes onto a tree trying to avoid a stray child on the highway. His friends always told him a merc was not meant for India well he thought they were just jelous.
He coudnt remember anything else, or could he?
He could vaguely remember a siren in the distance, his wife, she had been with him inspite of his excesses from time to time.
He came back to reality and tried to get up, realized he was too weak, it felt like his heart wasnt working till a while back. Feeling around with his fingers he got woodwork and something that felt like slips of paper on all the sides. Wait a minute was he really in....
He was not what people described a noble soul or even a good man, he had earned his riches from scratch but got this -oh i want lots of money syndrome- and people often described him a snob behind his back. There would have been many who secretly wished he were dead.
He could remember more now, the doctors pronouncing him dead, oh damn he was alive, atleast his brain was and was frantically asking his heart to start beating again. As fate would have it, the heartless man's heart was pulling his leg.
He was so fond of money that in his will he had wanted almost all of his money to be buried with him and all his possessions (those that could fit in a coffin). The rest he left to his wife.
When he was hale his favorites included his watch that showed time in 12 different countries although he hadnt been out of tamil nadu, his cell fone, about which he boasted to his friends "you know you neednt even press the talk button,as soon as a call comes it puts itself into speaker mode".
Well you see he was a strange man, who lived in the eternal illusion of happiness looking down upon poorer men who were much more contented and slept more.
Right now he was in his coffin and as the gravity of the situation struck him he suddenly grew frantic. Nothing can be worse than being buried alive in a coffin filled with rupee notes that were so dear two days back. Nothing worse than all his dear possessions that would make a thousand men regard him with fake respect. He tried in vain for the third time to break free and then slowly resigned.
He cried. Then tried to find something that would help him break free, his torch, oh no, his watch lol no way..doomed.
Its very funny you know when you know your going to die, its so damn different, you want to do a million things, want to tell your wife you actually loved her, you understand the limitations of money, you regret those stupid hours lost making a huge empire which wouldnt follow you.
It was a terrible death, choking without much oxygen, ever slowly, without the world knowing, a wrong date on the epitaph, and lots of sad thoughts.
As his last breadth ceased not to start again, his beard started to vibrate,
"We are calling from HDFC bank sir, would you like a credit card?"
said the frail man with a wry smile, as we all gaped at him for telling such a haunting unbelievable story, he stood up to go to the loo as the others started to reflect.
People were saying how terrible it should have been, as I realised something, everyone turned as I shouted "But whose this guy? how did he know all this?"
some of us ran to the restroom..he was gone.
The story goes this way:
He woke up into pitch darkness as he tried to fathom where he was right now, what he was doing. The last thing he remembered was crashing his mercedes onto a tree trying to avoid a stray child on the highway. His friends always told him a merc was not meant for India well he thought they were just jelous.
He coudnt remember anything else, or could he?
He could vaguely remember a siren in the distance, his wife, she had been with him inspite of his excesses from time to time.
He came back to reality and tried to get up, realized he was too weak, it felt like his heart wasnt working till a while back. Feeling around with his fingers he got woodwork and something that felt like slips of paper on all the sides. Wait a minute was he really in....
He was not what people described a noble soul or even a good man, he had earned his riches from scratch but got this -oh i want lots of money syndrome- and people often described him a snob behind his back. There would have been many who secretly wished he were dead.
He could remember more now, the doctors pronouncing him dead, oh damn he was alive, atleast his brain was and was frantically asking his heart to start beating again. As fate would have it, the heartless man's heart was pulling his leg.
He was so fond of money that in his will he had wanted almost all of his money to be buried with him and all his possessions (those that could fit in a coffin). The rest he left to his wife.
When he was hale his favorites included his watch that showed time in 12 different countries although he hadnt been out of tamil nadu, his cell fone, about which he boasted to his friends "you know you neednt even press the talk button,as soon as a call comes it puts itself into speaker mode".
Well you see he was a strange man, who lived in the eternal illusion of happiness looking down upon poorer men who were much more contented and slept more.
Right now he was in his coffin and as the gravity of the situation struck him he suddenly grew frantic. Nothing can be worse than being buried alive in a coffin filled with rupee notes that were so dear two days back. Nothing worse than all his dear possessions that would make a thousand men regard him with fake respect. He tried in vain for the third time to break free and then slowly resigned.
He cried. Then tried to find something that would help him break free, his torch, oh no, his watch lol no way..doomed.
Its very funny you know when you know your going to die, its so damn different, you want to do a million things, want to tell your wife you actually loved her, you understand the limitations of money, you regret those stupid hours lost making a huge empire which wouldnt follow you.
It was a terrible death, choking without much oxygen, ever slowly, without the world knowing, a wrong date on the epitaph, and lots of sad thoughts.
As his last breadth ceased not to start again, his beard started to vibrate,
"We are calling from HDFC bank sir, would you like a credit card?"
said the frail man with a wry smile, as we all gaped at him for telling such a haunting unbelievable story, he stood up to go to the loo as the others started to reflect.
People were saying how terrible it should have been, as I realised something, everyone turned as I shouted "But whose this guy? how did he know all this?"
some of us ran to the restroom..he was gone.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
why so serious? (with minimal spoilers)
First day. first show. usually am not that excitable but I always thought Christopher Nolan was too good. But little did I know this was his best ever, probably 10 times better than the second best, probably twice as better as any movie I ve ever seen.
I purposefully delayed the review by about 30 hours to see if the hysteria inside me would subside and I would write a less -droolin all over- review, but I guess this is how I would excited I would be even when I tell my grandson that I was there for the first ever show of this masterpiece.
What makes the movie work is the fact that it doesnt depend on its graphics and breathtaking action scenes and more on its plot and drama. This is where it breaks the stereotype of a standard comic book movie like a superman or a spiderman or the earlier batman movies.
Its also commendable that the joker and the DA are given equal importance as the batman which is very rare in this genre. And its a welcome break that movie relies on its action and story instead of swearing and the f-word to get cheap applause from the audience.
Heath ledger, makes sure you wanna cry about losing a one-of-a-kind actor probably the best villain performance of all time. As Caine puts it "if heath dusn get the oscar, i sure want to see the performace which beat him to it". Caine(alfred) , Freeman(Fox) and Oldman(Gordon), the seasoned actors they are need no special mention.
Bale, oh he does a great job of the Batman who is in an ethical dilemna, and carries the dual role with aplomb. Ekhart carries out the transformation from DA to two face awesomely and you do love the DA hate the two-face and feel sorry for the transformation.
gylenhaal plays batmans love interest and it was probably because they were short of money and couldnt get a real beauty to act, but apart from not being gorgeous she does do justice to her role.
The plots are nothing short of genius and the screenplay oh man..mind blowing, there were five different instances when the audience broke into spontaneous applause like as if in a Lords cricket match.
The car and bike ll make you go gaga, the acting will haunt you and the story ll make you stay in the movie long after the credits.
I got pretty attached to it seeing imdb everyday to track its performance literally praying to god every guy who goes to the movie likes it.
I dont want to see a movie that is better than this one.
I purposefully delayed the review by about 30 hours to see if the hysteria inside me would subside and I would write a less -droolin all over- review, but I guess this is how I would excited I would be even when I tell my grandson that I was there for the first ever show of this masterpiece.
What makes the movie work is the fact that it doesnt depend on its graphics and breathtaking action scenes and more on its plot and drama. This is where it breaks the stereotype of a standard comic book movie like a superman or a spiderman or the earlier batman movies.
Its also commendable that the joker and the DA are given equal importance as the batman which is very rare in this genre. And its a welcome break that movie relies on its action and story instead of swearing and the f-word to get cheap applause from the audience.
Heath ledger, makes sure you wanna cry about losing a one-of-a-kind actor probably the best villain performance of all time. As Caine puts it "if heath dusn get the oscar, i sure want to see the performace which beat him to it". Caine(alfred) , Freeman(Fox) and Oldman(Gordon), the seasoned actors they are need no special mention.
Bale, oh he does a great job of the Batman who is in an ethical dilemna, and carries the dual role with aplomb. Ekhart carries out the transformation from DA to two face awesomely and you do love the DA hate the two-face and feel sorry for the transformation.
gylenhaal plays batmans love interest and it was probably because they were short of money and couldnt get a real beauty to act, but apart from not being gorgeous she does do justice to her role.
The plots are nothing short of genius and the screenplay oh man..mind blowing, there were five different instances when the audience broke into spontaneous applause like as if in a Lords cricket match.
The car and bike ll make you go gaga, the acting will haunt you and the story ll make you stay in the movie long after the credits.
I got pretty attached to it seeing imdb everyday to track its performance literally praying to god every guy who goes to the movie likes it.
I dont want to see a movie that is better than this one.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
dhaudi tales (dhaudi is tamizh for beard)
To all those guys out there..
How many times have you been dragged into a jewel shop or worse still a cloth shop by your mum or you better half or whatever and did not know how to kill those million hours when your women folk forget you exist and fall in love with those saris and those many named jewels?
Well as a kid I went around playing or chatting with the watchman but a couple of days back I guessed it would look to awkward for a guy 6 feet to inches to jog around playing catch-catch.
I sat down with dad and granddad and we spoke about this and that and the unfortunate species that is men.
This was a discussion between three generations mind you and yes there was a rich exchange of ideas. I ve always silently observed this phenomenon of trends repeating and a perfect example of it was that my grand dad and me never had a mustache..ma granddad because Brahmans should never have one and me because I thought it was cool. My dad being the slow learner that he is (CA 1st attempt 16th rank) realised this only about a week back.
Someway, the convo lead to shaving and my dad made an interesting observation. Now its a common knowledge among men-folk that the skin becomes rougher and rougher because of shaving, and CA asked me why his skin between the lips and the nose (yea you guessed it where the mustache once was) was rougher than the rest of his face. After all he had shaved it once in his life.
The experienced moustache shavers grandpa and me explained to him that the mush part of the face is a lot more hyper and grows hair a lot faster and so is inherently rougher.
We went on to discuss how its a pain to shave the mush stub as there are many a purturbations in this part which deter efficient shaving and also discussed various methods.
It was such a surprize to realise there was so much to shaving which men had not come forward to discuss, you see men seldom discuss their problems in the open and hence seem like they dont have problems at all.
Slowly some more jobless dads sons and grandpas joined our group
1)they were jobless
2)this was an interesting topic
and I was quick to point out how there was so much to discuss about beards.
In fact we soon found out how the beard made each one of us remember some particular occasion in life..ranging from a failed love affair or a particular bad shaving day or even something like....
read on ;)
How many times have you been dragged into a jewel shop or worse still a cloth shop by your mum or you better half or whatever and did not know how to kill those million hours when your women folk forget you exist and fall in love with those saris and those many named jewels?
Well as a kid I went around playing or chatting with the watchman but a couple of days back I guessed it would look to awkward for a guy 6 feet to inches to jog around playing catch-catch.
I sat down with dad and granddad and we spoke about this and that and the unfortunate species that is men.
This was a discussion between three generations mind you and yes there was a rich exchange of ideas. I ve always silently observed this phenomenon of trends repeating and a perfect example of it was that my grand dad and me never had a mustache..ma granddad because Brahmans should never have one and me because I thought it was cool. My dad being the slow learner that he is (CA 1st attempt 16th rank) realised this only about a week back.
Someway, the convo lead to shaving and my dad made an interesting observation. Now its a common knowledge among men-folk that the skin becomes rougher and rougher because of shaving, and CA asked me why his skin between the lips and the nose (yea you guessed it where the mustache once was) was rougher than the rest of his face. After all he had shaved it once in his life.
The experienced moustache shavers grandpa and me explained to him that the mush part of the face is a lot more hyper and grows hair a lot faster and so is inherently rougher.
We went on to discuss how its a pain to shave the mush stub as there are many a purturbations in this part which deter efficient shaving and also discussed various methods.
It was such a surprize to realise there was so much to shaving which men had not come forward to discuss, you see men seldom discuss their problems in the open and hence seem like they dont have problems at all.
Slowly some more jobless dads sons and grandpas joined our group
1)they were jobless
2)this was an interesting topic
and I was quick to point out how there was so much to discuss about beards.
In fact we soon found out how the beard made each one of us remember some particular occasion in life..ranging from a failed love affair or a particular bad shaving day or even something like....
read on ;)
Saturday, June 21, 2008
baggy green and valour?
Aussie cricket has always been known for its exemplary behavior both on and off the field. One more aspect that stands out has been their courage.
For the ignorant, the Aussies have boycotted numerous matches in Srilanka and Pakistan "due to security reasons". Add to this a cowardly whirlwind tour of Zimbabwe in 2006.
In the 1996 world cup, the Australians did not play a single match against Srilanka because of the LTTLE problem. On the outside it might seem sensible but a little thought can show you how paranoid and crazy the kangaroos were.
The LTTLE is an insurgency problem and unlike the Jaish or Lakshar do not target "white skins". Their only attack is Srilankans. One might argue that in the ground Srilankas might also be present, but there was enough security provided which proved to be insufficient for the Aussies. It was at this juncture that (i dont know which commentator) famously asked the Australians to wear bangles.
History repeated itself in 2008 when the Aussies unceremoniously cancelled the Pak tour citing security reasons which would have made the PCB incur huge loses. What beats me is, when George Bush and Condoleesa Rice or even an LK Advani can tour pakistan without fear, why cant the Aussies? I cant find a reason why Lakshar or Jaish or any other organisations would prefer Aussie cricketers as targets over political leaders. Well agreed, there are people who hate the Aussie team more than they hate Bush (yours truly included) but no, not enough to provoke detonators.
Australias future commitments and some comments:
2008
India (away series)
There is so much inflation and that is a big security concern. No we banned logical thinking long ago.
2009
Pakistan (at home)
Mohammad Asif is a drug addict
South Africa (away)
We have many horny players and we DONT want them infected with STDs.
Ashes(away)
There was a minor burglary in rural southampton.
2010
Zimbabwe and Kenya (it no longer matters home or away)
NO WAY. havent u seen blood diamond?
USA(new entry into test cricket)
Their president's name sounds like Osama. We better keep away.
2011
West Indies
Kids no longer play cricket :(, those who play have migrated to India to play in the IPL.
For the ignorant, the Aussies have boycotted numerous matches in Srilanka and Pakistan "due to security reasons". Add to this a cowardly whirlwind tour of Zimbabwe in 2006.
In the 1996 world cup, the Australians did not play a single match against Srilanka because of the LTTLE problem. On the outside it might seem sensible but a little thought can show you how paranoid and crazy the kangaroos were.
The LTTLE is an insurgency problem and unlike the Jaish or Lakshar do not target "white skins". Their only attack is Srilankans. One might argue that in the ground Srilankas might also be present, but there was enough security provided which proved to be insufficient for the Aussies. It was at this juncture that (i dont know which commentator) famously asked the Australians to wear bangles.
History repeated itself in 2008 when the Aussies unceremoniously cancelled the Pak tour citing security reasons which would have made the PCB incur huge loses. What beats me is, when George Bush and Condoleesa Rice or even an LK Advani can tour pakistan without fear, why cant the Aussies? I cant find a reason why Lakshar or Jaish or any other organisations would prefer Aussie cricketers as targets over political leaders. Well agreed, there are people who hate the Aussie team more than they hate Bush (yours truly included) but no, not enough to provoke detonators.
Australias future commitments and some comments:
2008
India (away series)
There is so much inflation and that is a big security concern. No we banned logical thinking long ago.
2009
Pakistan (at home)
Mohammad Asif is a drug addict
South Africa (away)
We have many horny players and we DONT want them infected with STDs.
Ashes(away)
There was a minor burglary in rural southampton.
2010
Zimbabwe and Kenya (it no longer matters home or away)
NO WAY. havent u seen blood diamond?
USA(new entry into test cricket)
Their president's name sounds like Osama. We better keep away.
2011
West Indies
Kids no longer play cricket :(, those who play have migrated to India to play in the IPL.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
whai oh whaai?
A thriving businessman was spending his well earned holiday in a secluded resort just by the river overlooking the hills far away from the bustle of the city, one with nature. And as all trendy people do he went out fishing to the river where he met a man, a peasant man, dressed not-so-smartly fishing too.
Being the hardworking guy that he was, he was irritated generally by these people who lacked foresight, never had any ambitions, never worked 18 hrs a day, never Ever deserved a holiday. All the pent up anger came out on the stranger in a jiffy. He wanted to ask a million questions. How he could waste his life. How he could not do anything worthwhile whole day?How he could be such a loser in life.
The peasant just smiled in reply. He enquired as to what his "motive in life" was. The business man oh so confident replied as to how he wanted to build a huge empire, become really successful, earn so much so that he never needed to worry about his Grey days, so he could come out on more such fishing expeditions.
The peasant said "aint I doing what your planning to do every day"?
So goes a popular story
Another one in this vein is that of a hare who saved all the nuts he earned so he could eat them all together in his old age and later found he didn't have teeth.
I do think of these crazy things time again, atleast they inspire me to not work hard and live in the present. Short as life is, my philosophy has always been to not work too hard.And yea have oodles of fun.
Always found it crazy how people go to these 18 hr a day jobs 360 days a year far away from family, with a computer to call as a buddy. Lots of parents of friends, my parents too although just sometimes. Whats the point? The ones i can think of are the following
1) it gives lots of power and (wo)man has always had a HUGE fetish for power
2)Some just work because they are afraid the society might not approve of a fun loving jolly kinda guy.
3)oh yea ambition. To get maximum out of life.
But at what cost? People do believe they are having fun doing what they are currently doing. That much needed one week with my family once in two years. That day i spent with my wife, oh was it about a dozen years back? My son's in 5th oh no 6th std, oh wait hes in boarding school, I give the best for my son :D.
Neighbours-oh those people on either side of my house
friends- i had loads back then, but being the ambitious man i am, have lost contact with most.
Weren't those people in the earlier centuries a million times happier? Having a lot more fun. Speaking to live humans.
Its a talent to balance fun and work, to satisfy your ambitions, do something useful as well as make sure there are no regrets on those lost days that would never come back.
I hope I choose an occupation where I ll enjoy myself, would probably never compromise myself for that extra penny.
I would probably earn just enough to lead a nice life have lots of fun, lots and lots of fun, trust me on those dying moments I would have a lot more pleasant memories marqueeing past me. I ll die with a smile
Being the hardworking guy that he was, he was irritated generally by these people who lacked foresight, never had any ambitions, never worked 18 hrs a day, never Ever deserved a holiday. All the pent up anger came out on the stranger in a jiffy. He wanted to ask a million questions. How he could waste his life. How he could not do anything worthwhile whole day?How he could be such a loser in life.
The peasant just smiled in reply. He enquired as to what his "motive in life" was. The business man oh so confident replied as to how he wanted to build a huge empire, become really successful, earn so much so that he never needed to worry about his Grey days, so he could come out on more such fishing expeditions.
The peasant said "aint I doing what your planning to do every day"?
So goes a popular story
Another one in this vein is that of a hare who saved all the nuts he earned so he could eat them all together in his old age and later found he didn't have teeth.
I do think of these crazy things time again, atleast they inspire me to not work hard and live in the present. Short as life is, my philosophy has always been to not work too hard.And yea have oodles of fun.
Always found it crazy how people go to these 18 hr a day jobs 360 days a year far away from family, with a computer to call as a buddy. Lots of parents of friends, my parents too although just sometimes. Whats the point? The ones i can think of are the following
1) it gives lots of power and (wo)man has always had a HUGE fetish for power
2)Some just work because they are afraid the society might not approve of a fun loving jolly kinda guy.
3)oh yea ambition. To get maximum out of life.
But at what cost? People do believe they are having fun doing what they are currently doing. That much needed one week with my family once in two years. That day i spent with my wife, oh was it about a dozen years back? My son's in 5th oh no 6th std, oh wait hes in boarding school, I give the best for my son :D.
Neighbours-oh those people on either side of my house
friends- i had loads back then, but being the ambitious man i am, have lost contact with most.
Weren't those people in the earlier centuries a million times happier? Having a lot more fun. Speaking to live humans.
Its a talent to balance fun and work, to satisfy your ambitions, do something useful as well as make sure there are no regrets on those lost days that would never come back.
I hope I choose an occupation where I ll enjoy myself, would probably never compromise myself for that extra penny.
I would probably earn just enough to lead a nice life have lots of fun, lots and lots of fun, trust me on those dying moments I would have a lot more pleasant memories marqueeing past me. I ll die with a smile
Friday, June 13, 2008
the autorikshaw angels of mumbai
For the chennaites: The following events are true however unbelievable they may sound.
Night 11pm heavy rains and we had to get back to our hostel, a distance of about 700-800 metres.
The rains in mumbai can have a big impact on ur head and till you get used to it you will just go nuts and not know what to do. 3 classmates of mine and me decided to take an auto.
Born and brought up in Chennai I knew I would be paying about a 100 bucks. anyway 25 bucks per person sounded fine.
We called an auto, he immediately asked us to board, and turned the meter on. I wouldnt take something as atrocious as that, and I told him in my broken hindi that I did not trust people who use meters as they are all heated up(sooduvechufied) and usually show the price of the autorikshaw. He assured me nothing of that sort was going to happen.
5 minutes later, after an eventless journey he asked me NINE rupees. I was sure that either "now" in hindi no longer meant nine or he was referring to ninety.
My friend handed a ten rupee note and that bugger hands 1 rupee back.
Dont autorikshaws in mumbai charge triple because they carry four people?
What about the heavy rains?
And comon the petrol prices have been hiked.
They might not get a passenger at my destination so i have to pay for return fare also?
Oh and what about the one-way lanes in the middle?
What about rounding off the one rupee? or even a 10 rupees above the meter?
In a daze i walked back to my room as a lot of things crossed my mind.
1)in chennai we are being HARASSED by autos very very unfairly
2)Their point that the cant afford it is utter nonsense. They charge exponential fares.
3)ITs high time we did something together, started calling 100 everytime we face this bullshit.
Please do tell me your views its not often that i write sense ;)
Night 11pm heavy rains and we had to get back to our hostel, a distance of about 700-800 metres.
The rains in mumbai can have a big impact on ur head and till you get used to it you will just go nuts and not know what to do. 3 classmates of mine and me decided to take an auto.
Born and brought up in Chennai I knew I would be paying about a 100 bucks. anyway 25 bucks per person sounded fine.
We called an auto, he immediately asked us to board, and turned the meter on. I wouldnt take something as atrocious as that, and I told him in my broken hindi that I did not trust people who use meters as they are all heated up(sooduvechufied) and usually show the price of the autorikshaw. He assured me nothing of that sort was going to happen.
5 minutes later, after an eventless journey he asked me NINE rupees. I was sure that either "now" in hindi no longer meant nine or he was referring to ninety.
My friend handed a ten rupee note and that bugger hands 1 rupee back.
Dont autorikshaws in mumbai charge triple because they carry four people?
What about the heavy rains?
And comon the petrol prices have been hiked.
They might not get a passenger at my destination so i have to pay for return fare also?
Oh and what about the one-way lanes in the middle?
What about rounding off the one rupee? or even a 10 rupees above the meter?
In a daze i walked back to my room as a lot of things crossed my mind.
1)in chennai we are being HARASSED by autos very very unfairly
2)Their point that the cant afford it is utter nonsense. They charge exponential fares.
3)ITs high time we did something together, started calling 100 everytime we face this bullshit.
Please do tell me your views its not often that i write sense ;)
Saturday, May 10, 2008
sheeesh am gonna die :-(
this is probably the first semi technical entry am writing and is incidentally the first time am publishing something i found out. (ok i have not found out lot of things still...)
As everyone by now knows there are no girls in my college so I was just consoling myself saying I will most probably going to France(yes EVA GREENE lives there) the next year or the year after that.
Just when I was feeling so euphoric about this a thought struck me. What if I die before this?
Sheesh I would die a virgin I would die without kids, I would die single and even without watching the third IPL.
I sat down and tried calculating the probability I would survive this mishap. The sheer monstrosity of the numbers shook me and make me rethink my priorities.
What is the chance I will survive a day in Chennai?
factors considered:
1)I live in the coastal town of Chennai hence vulnerable to Tsunami and Sea surging due to global warming.
2)I play soccer with great enthusiasm and combined with the pleasant climate of chennai might hence cause death due to sun stroke.
3)I live in CMI where food is bad and(mosquitoes) hence I might contract a lot of diseases like cancer, TB, dengue, SARS, i have started eating eggs hence i can get killed due to bird flu :(
4)Am in a college known for its rigorous curriculum and am a normal teenager so there are these oodles of opportunities to fall into depression
5)I drive my bike like crazy and i also live in T.Nagar where the devil dare not drive.
6)I support Indian team in hockey and Federar on clay and Real Madrid for Champion's league
7)
Wait lets stop here and evaluate,
Data:
5)1150 deaths in a year in chennai. Population of chennai 4.7 million of which only 25 lakh drive 2 wheelers. in there 25 lakhs only about 1% 25,000 people drive as crazy as me.
hence probability i ll die of an accident is 4/365=0.01%
2)sunstroke deaths negligible
3)death due to various medical ailments: 1,60,000 a year in tamil nadu. Implies probability is 0.005%
4)suicide rate among teenagers 148 among 1 million probability is 0.0001
adding all this gives 0.0151 is the probability i will die on a particular day. How rosy?
So the probability i will survive a day is 100-0.0151=99.9849
the probability i will survive 2 years = probability i will survive 730 days
=99.9849^730=89%
there is a 11% chance i will die!!!!!
in 10 years it increases to 43% and in 20 years 73% OH MY GOD
I dont drink nor smoke, i dont have sex and this staggering number.
There is one in a tenth chance i wont graduate. Do you even realise what it means? I would have never experienced college life like a normal teenager, agreed i would have watched a lot more movies, interacted with a lot more bongs, I will know hell lot more physics. But I would be dead.
But wait a minute I have been alive for 20 years which is a miracle by itself. So have many of my friends. Anyways am not THAT depressed because with or without driving crazy bikes, theres a goood chance ur gonna DIE.
Numbers or no numbers, our lives our such we don't know when it will end. Live life when you can have a lotta fun ;) live it like it was your last day on earth ;)
As everyone by now knows there are no girls in my college so I was just consoling myself saying I will most probably going to France(yes EVA GREENE lives there) the next year or the year after that.
Just when I was feeling so euphoric about this a thought struck me. What if I die before this?
Sheesh I would die a virgin I would die without kids, I would die single and even without watching the third IPL.
I sat down and tried calculating the probability I would survive this mishap. The sheer monstrosity of the numbers shook me and make me rethink my priorities.
What is the chance I will survive a day in Chennai?
factors considered:
1)I live in the coastal town of Chennai hence vulnerable to Tsunami and Sea surging due to global warming.
2)I play soccer with great enthusiasm and combined with the pleasant climate of chennai might hence cause death due to sun stroke.
3)I live in CMI where food is bad and(mosquitoes) hence I might contract a lot of diseases like cancer, TB, dengue, SARS, i have started eating eggs hence i can get killed due to bird flu :(
4)Am in a college known for its rigorous curriculum and am a normal teenager so there are these oodles of opportunities to fall into depression
5)I drive my bike like crazy and i also live in T.Nagar where the devil dare not drive.
6)I support Indian team in hockey and Federar on clay and Real Madrid for Champion's league
7)
Wait lets stop here and evaluate,
Data:
5)1150 deaths in a year in chennai. Population of chennai 4.7 million of which only 25 lakh drive 2 wheelers. in there 25 lakhs only about 1% 25,000 people drive as crazy as me.
hence probability i ll die of an accident is 4/365=0.01%
2)sunstroke deaths negligible
3)death due to various medical ailments: 1,60,000 a year in tamil nadu. Implies probability is 0.005%
4)suicide rate among teenagers 148 among 1 million probability is 0.0001
adding all this gives 0.0151 is the probability i will die on a particular day. How rosy?
So the probability i will survive a day is 100-0.0151=99.9849
the probability i will survive 2 years = probability i will survive 730 days
=99.9849^730=89%
there is a 11% chance i will die!!!!!
in 10 years it increases to 43% and in 20 years 73% OH MY GOD
I dont drink nor smoke, i dont have sex and this staggering number.
There is one in a tenth chance i wont graduate. Do you even realise what it means? I would have never experienced college life like a normal teenager, agreed i would have watched a lot more movies, interacted with a lot more bongs, I will know hell lot more physics. But I would be dead.
But wait a minute I have been alive for 20 years which is a miracle by itself. So have many of my friends. Anyways am not THAT depressed because with or without driving crazy bikes, theres a goood chance ur gonna DIE.
Numbers or no numbers, our lives our such we don't know when it will end. Live life when you can have a lotta fun ;) live it like it was your last day on earth ;)
Thursday, May 8, 2008
MAX's efforts in vain as IPL is a HYUGE hit
Most of you cricket crazy people have been following IPL and have of course had your moments of joy and sorrow. Its been real fun watching the games. But there's one little thing am very upset about. Its the coverage by SET MAX.
The Hindi movie broadcaster have OUTRIGHTLY sucked ever since they ventured into telecasting matches. In their formative years being so desperate and failing to match ESPN Star's (ES) expertise they stooped down to the levels of bringing the legendary Mandira Bedi to ask questions like "What is a Doosra? Will India win today? and many such things that reminded you of Tamil movie heroines' dialogues. But you could probably give it to her for being so hot at the age of 78 but it was clearly irritating to watch Charu Sharma drooling rather than presenting a cricket show.
Just when I thought I had seen the last of these bufoons comes MAX, that too to host IPL. Although they managed to steal some good commentators from ES, they still suck as much as NEO sports does.
There are different aspects to their suckiness
1) having ranjit fernando and aamir sohail.
now, I don't really know how MR. RF gets these assignments. Maybe he plays the sympathy card. I heard there is some reservation for tsunami hit countries and RF being the only guy who knows good English in the island nation
I ve hated RF right from my childhood because of the stupid shit he speaks on air. It changed to total hatred the night of the match between Bangladesh and India in the 2007 world cup. I along with millions of indians was matching the match with great agony. India was tottering with Bangladesh chasing so comfortably when RF failing to contain his amusement said "India is sorely missing someone in the likes of Chaminda Vaas or Maharoof". Yes you moron there are no better bowlers than Maharoof and stop speaking about srilanka when its TOTALLY irrelevant.
I also hate the way he pronounces "deliveries" sounds like "DAHLLIWORRIES" he keeps saying it all the time. :(( . His most useful insights into the game include
"the gameplan of this partnership is to score runs in quick time without getting out" woooow isnt that a totally creative thing to say?
kapugedara sucking big time with the bat "very promising batsman hes doing his job so beautifully in the centre" yes dude you are a srilankan but please speak some sense once in a while?
"if Chennai bats well, you never know they can win this game" i have no comments for this
"Joginder Sharma is such an experienced campaigner"
i ve forgotten many others which were probably a lot more insightful nevertheless...
i thought of some innovative stuff to stay on air myself:
"Jayasuriya Murali and jayawardene rock"
"sangakkara rocks"
"chandrika kumaratunga rocks"
"if it rains too much there is a chance the match might be abandoned due to rain"
"orange cap is orange in color"
Coming to Aamir sohail he has serious problems with his pronounciation. He says Sahwag Dallli (delhi)
Today he said Sangwan is an experienced campaigner..dude he is 17 and has played 5 matches.
One of these days they did a Doordarshan by screwing up their telecast as a result the match couldnt start. Ever heard of "match delayed due to stupid tv guys?"
Yesterday riya sen came to the studio during the ten minute break. 2 minutes ad 3 minutes the anchor who's paid max for presenting the show 5 minutes arun lal explaining the nuances of kolkattas wicket. I could see riya's face for 10 seconds :( really PISSES ME OFF :( :(
The cameras are another eye sore. Bad and CRAZY angles making me feel its better to watch from the ground. I dont seriously know how they manage such weird angles which are pretty much unheard of on television.
No Activesports so i cant catch up if i was out on a date or if my grandparents insisted on watching Kolangal serial.
And yea the worst is
these commentators saying "That is a DLF six" or "CITI moment of success"
Please give it back to EspnStar we want to watch some intelligent cricket. A humble request from a true cricket lover.
The Hindi movie broadcaster have OUTRIGHTLY sucked ever since they ventured into telecasting matches. In their formative years being so desperate and failing to match ESPN Star's (ES) expertise they stooped down to the levels of bringing the legendary Mandira Bedi to ask questions like "What is a Doosra? Will India win today? and many such things that reminded you of Tamil movie heroines' dialogues. But you could probably give it to her for being so hot at the age of 78 but it was clearly irritating to watch Charu Sharma drooling rather than presenting a cricket show.
Just when I thought I had seen the last of these bufoons comes MAX, that too to host IPL. Although they managed to steal some good commentators from ES, they still suck as much as NEO sports does.
There are different aspects to their suckiness
1) having ranjit fernando and aamir sohail.
now, I don't really know how MR. RF gets these assignments. Maybe he plays the sympathy card. I heard there is some reservation for tsunami hit countries and RF being the only guy who knows good English in the island nation
I ve hated RF right from my childhood because of the stupid shit he speaks on air. It changed to total hatred the night of the match between Bangladesh and India in the 2007 world cup. I along with millions of indians was matching the match with great agony. India was tottering with Bangladesh chasing so comfortably when RF failing to contain his amusement said "India is sorely missing someone in the likes of Chaminda Vaas or Maharoof". Yes you moron there are no better bowlers than Maharoof and stop speaking about srilanka when its TOTALLY irrelevant.
I also hate the way he pronounces "deliveries" sounds like "DAHLLIWORRIES" he keeps saying it all the time. :(( . His most useful insights into the game include
"the gameplan of this partnership is to score runs in quick time without getting out" woooow isnt that a totally creative thing to say?
kapugedara sucking big time with the bat "very promising batsman hes doing his job so beautifully in the centre" yes dude you are a srilankan but please speak some sense once in a while?
"if Chennai bats well, you never know they can win this game" i have no comments for this
"Joginder Sharma is such an experienced campaigner"
i ve forgotten many others which were probably a lot more insightful nevertheless...
i thought of some innovative stuff to stay on air myself:
"Jayasuriya Murali and jayawardene rock"
"sangakkara rocks"
"chandrika kumaratunga rocks"
"if it rains too much there is a chance the match might be abandoned due to rain"
"orange cap is orange in color"
Coming to Aamir sohail he has serious problems with his pronounciation. He says Sahwag Dallli (delhi)
Today he said Sangwan is an experienced campaigner..dude he is 17 and has played 5 matches.
One of these days they did a Doordarshan by screwing up their telecast as a result the match couldnt start. Ever heard of "match delayed due to stupid tv guys?"
Yesterday riya sen came to the studio during the ten minute break. 2 minutes ad 3 minutes the anchor who's paid max for presenting the show 5 minutes arun lal explaining the nuances of kolkattas wicket. I could see riya's face for 10 seconds :( really PISSES ME OFF :( :(
The cameras are another eye sore. Bad and CRAZY angles making me feel its better to watch from the ground. I dont seriously know how they manage such weird angles which are pretty much unheard of on television.
No Activesports so i cant catch up if i was out on a date or if my grandparents insisted on watching Kolangal serial.
And yea the worst is
these commentators saying "That is a DLF six" or "CITI moment of success"
Please give it back to EspnStar we want to watch some intelligent cricket. A humble request from a true cricket lover.
Friday, April 25, 2008
see em eye
It actually stands for College only for Men in India and is often mistaken to stand for something associated with mathematics. It gained independence in 1998 and is now fooling around on its own. Other achievements include building a beautiful monument in the great Indian desert in interior Tamil Nadu which is yet to get the boon of electricity. By this the institution has achieved what no one else could achieve- provide employment opportunities to so many drivers, cleaners, and help rake in handsome profits to the highways authority of india. Needless to say added perks for working in this college include joyful rides on the ECR and OMR everyday (wowwy) and massaging rides on the roads of Siruseri (some people again wrongly think these roads were ploughed and are ready for irrigation). In fact the Indian government is planning to introduce camels to add to the fleet of dogs and the crowd of cats and snakes here and very soon Siruseri national park will be commisioned under the auspices of APA, a reputed astro-zoologist.
I shall not comment on bongs who plague cmi (duh i need to live peacefully for the next two years) or the nutritive food got here. No its slightly better than in the sahara where they live on date palms and camel milk. We even have mineral water.
People here are of different shapes and sizes. Contrary to expectations a lot many are not geeky and many play soccer and cricket. But a few of them have lost it because of 8-9 years in the sulky environment and go the extent of using veet on their hands, growing long hair and complaining about losing screwdrivers and the smell of mosquito coil. Many think these people are gay but this is so not true.
Popular pastimes include watching Shawshank redemption and loving it, watchin pulp fiction and drooling over samuel jackson, using seminar halls for educative movies during weekends and complaining about food. Downloading movies and deleting them is the in thing nowadays. People also often go into hallucinations about non existent chicks.
People bathe everyday and dress smart. People are honest and never copy in exams, no one watches pornography.
well i can go on poking fun..BUT
however much we whine about it CMI is still close to our heart we love our college we adore the management, to put it frankly theres no other place thats half as good as our beloved....muah
I shall not comment on bongs who plague cmi (duh i need to live peacefully for the next two years) or the nutritive food got here. No its slightly better than in the sahara where they live on date palms and camel milk. We even have mineral water.
People here are of different shapes and sizes. Contrary to expectations a lot many are not geeky and many play soccer and cricket. But a few of them have lost it because of 8-9 years in the sulky environment and go the extent of using veet on their hands, growing long hair and complaining about losing screwdrivers and the smell of mosquito coil. Many think these people are gay but this is so not true.
Popular pastimes include watching Shawshank redemption and loving it, watchin pulp fiction and drooling over samuel jackson, using seminar halls for educative movies during weekends and complaining about food. Downloading movies and deleting them is the in thing nowadays. People also often go into hallucinations about non existent chicks.
People bathe everyday and dress smart. People are honest and never copy in exams, no one watches pornography.
well i can go on poking fun..BUT
however much we whine about it CMI is still close to our heart we love our college we adore the management, to put it frankly theres no other place thats half as good as our beloved....muah
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
krishna krishna
I had been to this place called Guruvayur in Kerala with my family. Beautiful temple. Cleanliness personified. This was my third trip to Kerala but probably the first at the right age at the right place.yes yes coming to it.. I just LOVED spending time at the temple. Long queue for darshan how exciting. i told my bewildered people i will spend the waiting time in circumambulating the temple. I woulda gone around lord krishna about 20 times. OMG CHICKS GALORE... kerala rocks pa seriously. asins and nayantharas and padmapriyas at every turn. that too.. that off-white sari with red/green blouses. --drools--mum felt so happy that krishna had brought about a reformation in her agnostic kid(i woke up at 1 in the night bathed and went for the second dharshan) i felt a little guilty but da god was after all Krishna...we have a lot of things in common.
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