Disclaimer: the following post is completely fictional and not aimed at any self respecting community which wants harmony. In the circumstance of a person of that community chancing upon this article I sincerely hope my description is accurate and you do appreciate my opinion.
No kid is born bad, no kid born a terrorist, no kid born a fool or an antisocial at least in my opinion. Its the people you meet, your education or lack of it, your culture, the movies you watch, the books you read that make you what you are.
In my case it was my dad or probably every male relative that was around.
I was born into an orthodox community of a religion thats being seen in a negative light thanks to people like us.
I grew up in domestic violence, son of one of many wives, a big big family drenched in backwardness. The irony was we were quite proud of our strict adherence to the laws.
But, I was sent to a decent English medium school much to the surprise of many. The reason given was that there needed to be some people who were well versed with the advancements of the world. Pretty broad minded you would say but it was only an half truth. I later learnt it was because they needed people to specialize in bomb making and other such advanced stuff hitherto unaccessible.
There were a lot of experiences during my schooling days and later which you might find funny which I ll share with you over the course of the next few posts.
I was a pretty strong and explosive kid, I grew up in domestic violence and the word "jihad" was more commonly used than even thank you or sorry.
I vividly remember in 1st grade when we were introduced to division, teacher introduced it using apples and people. So we learnt all integer addition, 4 apples among 4 people gives one apple per person and 6 apples among three people gives 2 apples per person yadayada. Then for teasing us she asked how would you divide 3 apples among four guys, my hand shot up.
I said "thats easy, kill one guy!!".
Something was terribly wrong with that kid.
to be continued
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
I am such a....
Thats what I was telling Harith for the greater part of one week. We were sharing a secret that was growing on us, slowly dissolving us in guilt, dissolving me atleast. He had done nothing just been with me. This is how that fateful evening transpired.
It was December one of those rare few months we could spend time like we used to back in school and having exhausted most of the chilling out spots in Chennai (oh sooo many of them) we decided to hit it off to Mayajaal on the outskirts for a picture and probably a game of pool. We had loads of fun and were coming back at around eleven in the night.
I always had this huge fetish for high speed and promptly hit the pedal on the eight lane OMR.
You guessed it I hit something. There was a loud AMMA and instincts made me go faster. It was a good five minutes later, when I could no longer drive with sweat all over me that I stopped looking at an equally sheepish Harith. We couldnt speak.
"What did we just do" was what he managed after a good five minutes later my head was in my arms throbbing. The distant sound of a siren, and we had to think fast. Surrender, the right thing to do the sensible thing to do, but in these situations its just saving your skin I guess.
IT would have been seven the next morning when I finally stopped saying "I am such a ...." Harith consoled me, reasoned that there was the chance nothing might have happened.
Half an hour later we ran to the gate to catch the newspaper, and through the corner of my eye I could see my dad gleaming with pride looking at "the enthusiasm of the youngsters these days".
One accident in Veppery, one in Tambaram both minor none on the OMR. We were probably the most relieved souls in the world.
We slept a sound 8 hrs played cricket and sat counted our blessings went out for Pizzas and retired.
"A 60 year old tailor was run over on the wee hours of last morning here in OMR" screamed the third page". I sat gaping as my dad was ecstatic at seeing my devastation over the Mendis massacre. Patriotism is rare among teenagers.
Harith was back poor thing. We sat discussed the plan of action. We learnt she was admitted in the Chettinad hospital so I had a chance to own up if I wanted to.
Harith told me only this; to trust what my heart told me and he would stand by whatever I did.
I would have owned up if the next day's paper did not feature an obituary of the same teacher giving the details about the funeral the next day.
Trust me you would never want to feel like that. Watching Clint Eastwood shooting five men like sparrows might be cool but being the cause for purging everything someone had and would ever ever have is really horrible.
I was numb with guilt. Couldn't eat the whole day, dad asked me to cheer up, "its just a game son one day mendis one day douglas marillier".
That distinctive male baritone "AMMA" kept ringing in my ear.
He was probably a good man who had a family, had kids. Probably he was proud of his good-for-nothing son too.
I had had enough, that evening I took Harith and went to the address mentioned in the poster.
It was this narrow alley, and it was filled with people, most of them opining the spineless bastard who had killed such a wonderful teacher should rot in hell.
Unanimous hatred, never felt it before never want to again.
Why couldnt he have accidentally been a bad ass gangster? or a goat? Or a pathetic teacher who used to molest students?
The body was too mangled and they had covered him from head to toe.
As the walls shrunk to crush me, as everything started to whirl, and the big mass of my best friend literally holding me became a blur, I yelled "ok I killed him, I killed your dad, your husband , your favorite teacher, your son whatever just bash me to death I killed Rajamani". And I sobbed till I realised I wasnt touched yet.
An old frail looking man, red with sorrow, came up and instead of slapping me, just asked
"did you say you killed Rajamani?"
"Yes am afraid so"
"you killed my wife?"
"you mean your brother?"
"No did you hit my wife and run?"
"Your wife? Rajamani is not a man?"
Harith quickly did damage control, explained the cause of confusion and apologised for interrupting the funeral.
And guess what? I also met the man who was the owner of the "AMMA" he had come for funeral too, he had a bandaid to show for that night and that's all and he couldn't say much to the cry baby except a fake "Its ok my man" with a pat on my back.
When we reached my car, I hugged Harith till I realised some curious onlookers might have thought we were curious.
I sat in the car wiped my face, hit the pedal to celebrate the spirit of life, great relief and the wind on my face was such a beautiful feeling.
Just then there was a loud thud
and I heard "AMMMAA"
Harith am such a....
PS:Although I know you would never do whatever I claimed you did above, Harith loser I still love ya
It was December one of those rare few months we could spend time like we used to back in school and having exhausted most of the chilling out spots in Chennai (oh sooo many of them) we decided to hit it off to Mayajaal on the outskirts for a picture and probably a game of pool. We had loads of fun and were coming back at around eleven in the night.
I always had this huge fetish for high speed and promptly hit the pedal on the eight lane OMR.
You guessed it I hit something. There was a loud AMMA and instincts made me go faster. It was a good five minutes later, when I could no longer drive with sweat all over me that I stopped looking at an equally sheepish Harith. We couldnt speak.
"What did we just do" was what he managed after a good five minutes later my head was in my arms throbbing. The distant sound of a siren, and we had to think fast. Surrender, the right thing to do the sensible thing to do, but in these situations its just saving your skin I guess.
IT would have been seven the next morning when I finally stopped saying "I am such a ...." Harith consoled me, reasoned that there was the chance nothing might have happened.
Half an hour later we ran to the gate to catch the newspaper, and through the corner of my eye I could see my dad gleaming with pride looking at "the enthusiasm of the youngsters these days".
One accident in Veppery, one in Tambaram both minor none on the OMR. We were probably the most relieved souls in the world.
We slept a sound 8 hrs played cricket and sat counted our blessings went out for Pizzas and retired.
"A 60 year old tailor was run over on the wee hours of last morning here in OMR" screamed the third page". I sat gaping as my dad was ecstatic at seeing my devastation over the Mendis massacre. Patriotism is rare among teenagers.
Harith was back poor thing. We sat discussed the plan of action. We learnt she was admitted in the Chettinad hospital so I had a chance to own up if I wanted to.
Harith told me only this; to trust what my heart told me and he would stand by whatever I did.
I would have owned up if the next day's paper did not feature an obituary of the same teacher giving the details about the funeral the next day.
Trust me you would never want to feel like that. Watching Clint Eastwood shooting five men like sparrows might be cool but being the cause for purging everything someone had and would ever ever have is really horrible.
I was numb with guilt. Couldn't eat the whole day, dad asked me to cheer up, "its just a game son one day mendis one day douglas marillier".
That distinctive male baritone "AMMA" kept ringing in my ear.
He was probably a good man who had a family, had kids. Probably he was proud of his good-for-nothing son too.
I had had enough, that evening I took Harith and went to the address mentioned in the poster.
It was this narrow alley, and it was filled with people, most of them opining the spineless bastard who had killed such a wonderful teacher should rot in hell.
Unanimous hatred, never felt it before never want to again.
Why couldnt he have accidentally been a bad ass gangster? or a goat? Or a pathetic teacher who used to molest students?
The body was too mangled and they had covered him from head to toe.
As the walls shrunk to crush me, as everything started to whirl, and the big mass of my best friend literally holding me became a blur, I yelled "ok I killed him, I killed your dad, your husband , your favorite teacher, your son whatever just bash me to death I killed Rajamani". And I sobbed till I realised I wasnt touched yet.
An old frail looking man, red with sorrow, came up and instead of slapping me, just asked
"did you say you killed Rajamani?"
"Yes am afraid so"
"you killed my wife?"
"you mean your brother?"
"No did you hit my wife and run?"
"Your wife? Rajamani is not a man?"
Harith quickly did damage control, explained the cause of confusion and apologised for interrupting the funeral.
And guess what? I also met the man who was the owner of the "AMMA" he had come for funeral too, he had a bandaid to show for that night and that's all and he couldn't say much to the cry baby except a fake "Its ok my man" with a pat on my back.
When we reached my car, I hugged Harith till I realised some curious onlookers might have thought we were curious.
I sat in the car wiped my face, hit the pedal to celebrate the spirit of life, great relief and the wind on my face was such a beautiful feeling.
Just then there was a loud thud
and I heard "AMMMAA"
Harith am such a....
PS:Although I know you would never do whatever I claimed you did above, Harith loser I still love ya
Saturday, October 11, 2008
The Celestial Chat
The following is not intended to hurt the religious sentiments of any community. It is purely fictional and an innocent take on myths. Am a great fan of the epics myself and am really proud of them.
This conversation is a Gchat between Duriyodhana and Lord Krishna after they have long finished their terestrial duties and have some time to fool around.
krish_coolcasanova@gmail.com (K)
duru_badass@gmail.com (D)
D: hi Krishna
K: hi duru man sup wid u?
D: jus la dat..kinda bored... death sucks
K: I no "yadha yadha.."
D: ah no am not arjun..dont start that all over again... actually am so fatigued
K: u no i actually wanted to speak with you on earth itself but what with dharm winning an all der was too much politics
D: I no i no it was such a shame we had huge armies da best of commanders and still we lost :(
K: i no my man happens.. its always been la dat wen it comes to me da enemies are all very naïve
Once der was dis bloke called hiranyaksha. he decided to abduct my round spherical wife Booma Devi and he folded her like a mat and hid her under da sea
D: come again
folded a sphere like a mat?
K: i no he seems to have known Reimannian geometry in Kritha yuga
I watched this movie called dark knight.. kickass.. In which avatar will i get a villian like that I mean Joker was mindblowing?
D:I was competent wasnt I?
K:LMAO!! you knew you were the villian of a grand epic and ved vyas was writin about whatever was happenin shudnt u have known u ll get screwed? Any epic bad guys get screwed.
D: hmm yea.. but ...
K: not only that you lacked any plannin what were you even thinking?
D: i accept i was foolish what should i have done?
K: to begin with you shuda planned da war better ashwathama was in ur side rite? and do u realise he dusnt die?
D: yea?
K: you cuda just hid karna behind ashwathama forming a human fence kinda thing and defeated da whole pandava army
D: hmm yea probably but look at u cudnt u have taught arjun all dat before the war?
K: well probably but it was just to show inspite of all dat u suckers lost
u no lifes kinda borin
i need better villians
der was dis mockery of an uncle of mine called kamsa
people had warned him dat his 9th nephew will kill him
wat did he do?
he imprisoned my mum and dad in da same prison instead of seperating them
an 8th grade biology knowledge is enuf 2 reason out all this..
D: yeayea... true
i just realised somethin
things cuda been far worse
u no dis story about me tappin ma thighs signalling 2 draupathi
and dats y bhim killed me by splittin ma thigh?
if i had pointed to somethin more vulgar.. i wuda had such a shameful tragic death :O
K: k man gtg Ruku is callin.. polygamy kinda sucks man
D: tell me about it.. anyway tc..
To be continued......
This conversation is a Gchat between Duriyodhana and Lord Krishna after they have long finished their terestrial duties and have some time to fool around.
krish_coolcasanova@gmail.com (K)
duru_badass@gmail.com (D)
D: hi Krishna
K: hi duru man sup wid u?
D: jus la dat..kinda bored... death sucks
K: I no "yadha yadha.."
D: ah no am not arjun..dont start that all over again... actually am so fatigued
K: u no i actually wanted to speak with you on earth itself but what with dharm winning an all der was too much politics
D: I no i no it was such a shame we had huge armies da best of commanders and still we lost :(
K: i no my man happens.. its always been la dat wen it comes to me da enemies are all very naïve
Once der was dis bloke called hiranyaksha. he decided to abduct my round spherical wife Booma Devi and he folded her like a mat and hid her under da sea
D: come again
folded a sphere like a mat?
K: i no he seems to have known Reimannian geometry in Kritha yuga
I watched this movie called dark knight.. kickass.. In which avatar will i get a villian like that I mean Joker was mindblowing?
D:I was competent wasnt I?
K:LMAO!! you knew you were the villian of a grand epic and ved vyas was writin about whatever was happenin shudnt u have known u ll get screwed? Any epic bad guys get screwed.
D: hmm yea.. but ...
K: not only that you lacked any plannin what were you even thinking?
D: i accept i was foolish what should i have done?
K: to begin with you shuda planned da war better ashwathama was in ur side rite? and do u realise he dusnt die?
D: yea?
K: you cuda just hid karna behind ashwathama forming a human fence kinda thing and defeated da whole pandava army
D: hmm yea probably but look at u cudnt u have taught arjun all dat before the war?
K: well probably but it was just to show inspite of all dat u suckers lost
u no lifes kinda borin
i need better villians
der was dis mockery of an uncle of mine called kamsa
people had warned him dat his 9th nephew will kill him
wat did he do?
he imprisoned my mum and dad in da same prison instead of seperating them
an 8th grade biology knowledge is enuf 2 reason out all this..
D: yeayea... true
i just realised somethin
things cuda been far worse
u no dis story about me tappin ma thighs signalling 2 draupathi
and dats y bhim killed me by splittin ma thigh?
if i had pointed to somethin more vulgar.. i wuda had such a shameful tragic death :O
K: k man gtg Ruku is callin.. polygamy kinda sucks man
D: tell me about it.. anyway tc..
To be continued......
Thursday, October 9, 2008
The wonderful state among Kyrgyzstan
You might have study about great civilization of globe, Mesapotamia,Crete, The Indian civilisation, Hispanics, Europeans, white men, black men, small men, round men and yes of course even non-muslims and women. It is great sorrow when people doesnt know about the great country of Kyrgyzstand the land of Kyrgyzs(s) (plural) the land with the people who called name with no vowels. I moved when I see Borat about Kazakhstan, our country better national anthem. I want to to tell about Kyrgyzs.
The long history of Kyrgyzs people is stitched in the anals of history. The great tradition of poppy growing, hashish some ganja all give very high.
Kyrgyzs got independance on 31st August 1991 very beautiful day. Freedom fighters all very brave men. Down with soviet states. Coming back to country, famous for its mountains and passes on women also. Very amazing women, although beauty pegeants are banned according to sharia law.
One important poppy growing town is Barak where some important enemy country head was born. Such is history of Kyrgyzs the land of the plently our mothersland.
Lets go one by one.
Flag:
Tje 40-rayed sun gives symbolic limit on the number of times on can wed in one lifetime. Sun represents manhood. The lines represent ..... The lines inside the sun.. oh you get the picture..
The red color of the flag stands for peace and openness, yes red color stands for peace.
Traditions:
Bride Kidnapping: Is the oldest tradition of Kyrgyzs and is a popular recreational activity among the peoples and is participated by the young the old alike.
Religion: The only country with stan in its name without moon or star in our flag. We have sun. and we also have man son(national average around 20)
Education: People of our nation are very forward thinkings and we have decided that education will no longer be distant nightmare. There will be education here by 2030.
Sports:
Transport: Yak carts are very modern form of transport and widely used for faster transport we use hyenas.
Recently I read this article about Kyrgyzs people in famous english magazine( it also had good-good picture) and am proud to say we have been described as No-mads.
I happy to be kyrgyzs I happy and gay.
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