Saturday, December 11, 2010

Danny Ocean Part V: what the fuck is happening?

Danny was on the boil.
How could a vegetable oil bus just push off like that?
He had gone back to get some oil, and the bus was gone.
Irrelevant character introduction alert!
He turned to see Walkit walking towards him. She had a copy of twilight with a highlight marker. Could the day just turn worse?
Danny tried to hide, but where? Under the snow?
She walked straight to him and said, "you have got mail Danny".
She was now incharge of mail in Chapin and had slowly started inventing her own mails.
"Acha so I ordered twilight and a highlighter?", "Yes Danny", said Walkit. "If you want ask this tree, he works with me in the mailroom and hes my new best friend" as she pointed to a nearby tree. "Hes really funny and I love spending time with this tree".

"Thats pretty cool" said Danny, "thanks for your thoughtful mail, suitable for men. Just wondering, are you sure this is a male tree?"
He left Walkit wondering if she had by mistake made friends with a female(tree).
I will tell you someday why Walkit hates women. This story after all, is about her old best friend, Danny Ocean.
Danny crossed the road to walk towards SAC, he had practice doing that because the buses never came in time anyway. Drivers would prefer going round and round south P but made a big fuss about waiting that extra 10 seconds to take you to an important class. This was not India where drivers are disobedient(read sensible). Invariably he had walked the 20 minutes to college every other day.

The beauty about walking in aweful subzero temperature is this. Its painful for the first 10 minutes. After that you dont feel a damn thing. You might never will but as they say, the mission was important.
Danny walked thru the Hospital, whose downward going escalator alone was running. There was a photo of Sarah Palin in the main lobby, so Danny did not bother to question the absence of logic in the damn place. If he took the pains to do it, he would have wondered aloud about why Stony Brook needed such a massive Hospital complete with an airstrip. Apparently this building had inspired Ambani to build his grotesque Antilia to take revenge on Mumbai Indians and everyone else who lived outside mumbai(like biharis). Whoever had the misfortune of seeing the medusa like structure went back to Bihar which made people think this was actually MNS which had built this.

Harry you digress somuch yelled Danny to me, I need to continue on my mission.
And so he did... There were happy looking people outside the CS building.. hmm weird.
there were men outside bioengineering.. was he feeling fine?.. and finally SAC had the freaking green bus just pulling up near the bus stop. But the Inner loop bus stop.

There is no Innerloop bus during holidays, nor is there a green bus at these troubled times, when you dont even get vegetable.

He stormed to the bus and heard the driver say, " use the back door please".
Did he hear it right? No student had ever been allowed to enter thru the back door of a bus. Drivers used to get unusually possessive about you entering their virgin bus behind their back.
Here was someone telling him to do just that. Danny raced in thru the back door before the driver could change his mind. He was gonna be the first one to ever do it. There was a reason why it was forbidden. When you tell Pandora dont open the box, what does she do?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Danny ocean -- part 4

ah, ku kux clan. cmon there was no 4th kkk everyone knows that
Thats why it was called the "secret" ku kux clan!
Let me continue. 1982 was the year Sarah Jessica Parker started acting. The world would not be the same again. Her posters were all over stony brook and even the gods seemed to be angry that she pretended she was gorgeous.
"Can I use your bathroom?" asked Danny. The juice seems to be bothering me.
Ofcourse said Chen. One of them doesnt have heat. So you might want to wear your sweater.
Danny rushed to the toilet locked himself up. He needed time to think. WTF was all this bullshit she was saying? it seemed to be so contrived and convoluted. Could it be true?
He had had enough. He opened the door and in one fluid motion ran out of the apartment into the blizzard. It was white all around, he wanted cry because it was so freaking cold he couldnt even feel his privates, he wanted to smile because it reminded him of a robert 'frost' poem he had read in gay men anonymous.
There was no time to decide whether to smile or cry though. He needed to do it. and do it he would.
He raced of in the general direction of Chapin Commons. He would take a left and catch the Chapin bus.
There was a torture session going on in the Commons. Every two weeks, people got together and in the name of lecture, performed untellable cruelty on Chapin residents gullible enough to attend the lecture for pizza. What pleasure they got in this noone knew, but people from developing nations who fell for pizza were tricked into this.
He loved pizza. But no time for that now. He ran past the common room window play, and caught a glimpse of some of his friends crying.

Chapin Bus Stop. Bus in 15 minutes(supposedly). He glanced at the posters stuck there. Landlord prefers the Asians! 10 sqr feet room in Port Jeff. 5 ppl can start comfortably. Chinese preferred. the rest was in mandarin anyway.
After what seemed an eternity, the Green bus as against the normal red one arrived.
It was painfully slow and labored to a stop almost outside chapin entrance instead of the bus stop. Danny could almost hear fate giggling. He ran to the bus. Agony is bad in the beginning, then you get used to it!
Just as he was about to enter, the driver said, "You cant board this bus"
Why not?
"Cause this bus runs on vegetable oil".
I love vegetable oil.
"even I do but thats the problem. Apparently a third guy seems to love it more than us. Someone stole all the packets last night. and theres no more oil left".
I have some left in my room said Danny, and raced off to fetch the oil. Life was so pathetic, it had become funny!
---to be continued

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Danny Ocean Part 3

ur kiddin me right? asked Danny, He was hoping she was not serious, but there was no rationale behind what happened at Chapin.
The living conditions resembled those back home in India. Even that was fine, anyway Chapin provided cheap housing. But no one could explain why
1)The sprinklers were on, late summer, torturing incoming grad students. There was rumor that it was some kind of torture developed by indigenous tribes of the rain forests.
2)Why did the Chapin bus go round and round South P Lot
3)Why does the Chapin bus go at all to south P lot.
4)number 2
5)number 3
6)Why is Chapin so far from the campus that Chicago is closer than Stony Brook University?
7)Why are Chapin walls made of tissue paper?

These seven points had many a bright mind baffled. Noone dared to ask. The vice president of Chapin(the same dude every year) did not allow questions to be asked!

Chen continued. It was 1985 I was a freshman here still coming to terms with eating with a spoon. Thats when I met my dream guy.
Thats relevant because? asked Danny, in the politest tone, trying to make sure he dint annoy Chen.
Chen closed her eyes, as her lips broke into a gentle smile and abruptly turned into a scowl.
Ya hes irrelevant, I caught him watching mallu porn one day, traitor! In our society your supposed to watch only Hentai.

Where were we?
Oh yea 1985! Harry S Chapin, does that name sound familiar to you?
Oh yes! the last four letters form apin?
No dodo Chapin is the apartment you live in. Oh ya, never realised that.
I ve seen that board and sometimes thought it was coincidence that a guy had the same name as an apartment complex.
Am now convinced ur stupid enough to do what you dream to do, said Chen as she continued her story.
Harry and me, magic! we ve even made love inside Roth pond.
Danny tried to remember pleasanter times back home when he neednt listen to such shit. He had to. He had a mission on hand. Can we cut out the graphic details please?

Hmm, Harry knew magic. He believed we could speak to inanimate objects.
I figured that out. Let me guess he was a CS major? that explains everything.
Haha, ya, but he was nothing like us, in 1985 we did not even have msdos. CS involved sitting in front of computer and doing what a typist did. Type.
Oh and how are things different now?

Danny how is acting smart gonna help?

Unfortunately, that was around the time a terribly racist organization came up. The terribly secret 4th Ku Kux klan(kkk for short).
Back home we were used to building great walls to protect ourselves although with the same money we could buy a zillion bazookas.

We decided we would do what we knew best. Build walls.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

danny ocean---part 2

what are you doing? asked gauri. Danny replied, you know I was doing a-pin, but he went away. I just use my hands. Dude I din ask you that. What are you doing in this snow.
Gauri, bro you might think am crazy but... he told him his purpose, and gauri caught his chest, he could not believe Danny was trying to do something no man dared, a mere thought of which sent extra chills down, if it was even possible in a minus ten degree weather. Wish you all the very best, drop by Ms.Chen. Is that her name? Dude whats the probability her name is not Chen? Shes from China.

Danny trudged off towards Chen's apartments. She had lived in Chapin for 25 years and some say she knew the darkest secrets of Stony Brook, stuff even Danny himself did not know. Little did Danny know about what he would learn at Chen's place. How he would wish he never came to know any of that.

So, you dare to do what a dozen men have tried to do and lost their lives? Yes of course, I lost my love, and probably I might win him back if I achieve this.
Hmm, sit down I ll bring you some coke and chopsticks. No just juice is fine.
She went in and after ten minutes came out with just the chopsticks. What is this?
Dint u ask just for the chopsticks? No I said just juice, now I dont want anything.
You are weird Danny, how ll u have juice without chopsticks?
Ya, am kinda crazy, please bear with me, but can you tell me what you know about Chapin? About Stony Brook? I think it will help me in my journey.

Hmm, are you sure you want to hear? Danny:yes please can you please stop the KBC sure confident thingy? it ll be summer soon, at the pace we r going.

Okok.. I came here as an undergrad student, I studied computer science like most of the students here. I attended on campus placement and became the incharge of Chapin computer lab. Oh thats pretty cool, offered Danny. The irritation in his tone was palpable. He dint wanna know about all this.
Chen chose to ignore, and continued. Ever wondered why I ve stayed put in Chapin for the last 25 yrs? I ve not gone to China in couple of decades, not even when I missed Szechuan rice. I came across this guy VD from India who has very fine Szechuan sauce.
Arre Yaar, please? Danny stood up to leave.
Chen smiled, and said, do you know the sprinklers switch on themselves? for the last 20 yrs, whoever has tried entering the sprinkler control room has never returned.
The sprinklers speak only to me.
Danny's jaws dropped and he sat down to listened.
To be continued...

Saturday, October 9, 2010


he was pissed off. we needed to talk but I was just not finding time. New university, new friends never got time alone, the poor thing had waited quite a while for some action. He would be devastated if he heard what I was about to tell him.
one fine friday evening, I got some time to myself and opened up.
"was a good day haan", i started, half expecting him to not even bother replying. He had a pensive look about him, and said, "doesnt make a difference to me, I dont give a damn".
"Ah, dont be la dat", I said, "We ve been together since the time I can remember, am sorry, you ve always stood up for me whenever I ve needed you." "Yet you ve always looked down upon me", he shot back. "Thats cos of how your placed!".
"And thats supposed to console me? HOW".
"When we came to Stony Brook, you promised me there ll be so much action, I should have guessed. knowing the retard you are, 'action' referred to volleyball, soccer and an overdose of physics."
"Listen I got to tell you something important."
"Why am I not curious? You got into yet another of your stupid puppy-loves?"
"Ah, shut up and listen, theres not gonna be much this semester am afraid. I know we had lofty dreams, about the promised land, but, Stony Brook is probably not that great a place"
"can u please repeat after me?", he said.
"f", "F", "a", "A"? "g", "G".
"what do you get?"
"Ah comeooon, dont give me that shit, you really want me to misuse you?"
"nono we r cool, be a sanyasi I dont care, I ll console myself that the day will come soon"
"Attaboy!, I said, I ll make it upto you ok? new site everyday, Jugal's promised me a full harddisk"
"yaya whatever"
"if we keep a low profile this semester we might get into some really really big univ and we gonna make up for all the years of our youth. Those univs actually have happening parties everynight am told."
"hope my mechanism works till then", he said and smiled. I held him tight and as we usually did, entered fantasyland, the future, that promised so much, yet elusive, was, just a couple of semesters away, we told each other. And we believe it.For he cant live without me, and I cant without him happy.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

danny ocean---part 1

Danny Ocean, as his name suggests was this regular 21 year old from India, who had come to Stony Brook for his Masters.
He was a quietish kinda guy, with a really queer sense of humor. This story is about one hell of a weird day in his life based sometime in the near future. Its about how a man can go to any extent and make any sacrifice to get what he wants.

I was January and fucking cold. Ocean sat down brooding his break up with his best friend A-pin. They had met just 3 months back. A-pin was also from the same province back in India and even spoke the same language. They took the same courses, ate from the same plate, slept in the same..well you get the idea. The only thing that was not cool was, they were also the same gender.

His best friend Hurry had always warned Ocean about not getting too committed. But as they say love is blind. A-pin cheated on Ocean, that too with a girl.

How I wish Hurry was around, thought Ocean, Hurry someone seemed to know the right thing. Hurry was back in India, far away, in warmer climes.

Thats when he decided, he needed direction in life, he was going to do what no man in his right senses had done before. If he did succeed his campaign would be compared to the conquests of the one and only Roald Amundsen.

Things were not going to be easy, he knew that. The whole thing required strategy and careful planning. And secrecy was very important. He desperately needed a confidante who could tell him what to do, but Hurry who was really awesome, was far away at home.

Lets cut to the day, the events took place. He wore the ski gear he had bought with the awesome amounts of money he had made. Oh wait I totally forgot, Ocean's annual turn over was more than the profits Bill Gates made. And he made this money working just 20 hrs a week. How come you might ask, well noone knows, but if you knew Ocean you wouldnt be surprized. He knew how many spoons kelly quad had, or how many steps were there in Tabler Steps. He knew what vegetable's oil was used in the vegetable oil bus. I could go on and on but that can wait for another day, for Ocean is now ready to achieve.

As he came out of his room, he ran into Gauri. Abbe kuthe, why r wearing so many clothes? Ocean couldnt waste time. But Gauri was probably his only contact with the fairer sex and hence he couldnt put him down. "Dude my harddisk has crashed again", what again?aan "but i have a fucking iphone" Ya dude thats pretty coolaan. "Ocean where are you going, i said I have an iphone." 2B continued

Sunday, December 27, 2009

what happened mid pitch at the Feroz Shah Kotla

background: An innocuous from Sudip Tyagi was spat out by the pitch as it reached eight feet. Sangakkara seemed to have had enough with something. The score 85/5 with all batsmen back in the pavilion, none of them because of the pitch.
MSD,Sanga,ME-Marais Erasmus and SKT: Sk Tarapore.

Sanga runs in before the next ball is bowled.
SKT:U cant take Mendis' gage(turn to bat) because you play a little better.
Sanga:No, the Lankan lions want to speak to MSD, give me a minute
MSD:What is it? you want to waste time so I get banned for more matches?
Sanga:No,no, why is Ishant Sharma not there? I thought we agreed before the tournament that Ishant and Nehra will play every game? the Lankan Lions are not happy.
MSD:And we also agreed Jayawardane and Mendis will, why cant we just continue the game Sanga?
Sanga:Ah ok, listen I find this pitch too dangerous to bat on. The lankan lions' batsman are in danger.
MSD:hmm.. I wonder what you were doing till 23 overs were bowled, you didnt know that while you were batting? not till 5 wickets fell.
Sanga:Wait, see you saw the last wicket to fall. It was a run out. Samaraweera knew damn well Raina wouldnt hit, Raina just flicked it and it hit the stumps after an uneven bounce. Do you really think we should play here? Where Indians effect direct hits? i mean WTF?
MSD:Ok chill, listen I will bowl only my spin bowlers, and only Nehra and Zaheer will try throwing down stumps.
Sanga:Ok spin bowlers; only Nehra and Praveen and Jadeja can bowl.
MSD:Dont tease Nehra ass, see Praveen is not in the team, and together they have only 15 overs to bowl. Cant we bowl Harbhajan or Raina?
Sanga:No too fast for Lankan Lions, what about your bowling coach?He bowls really well?
MSD: no we kicked him out, listen you expect me to bowl Ventakesh Prasad and Nehra from 85/5 and win the match? Please be reasonable dude
ME:Ok, I will favor the person who can pronounce my name correctly.
Sanga:Maraisa Erasmusa?
Marais Erasmus:Am not a Srilankan, our names dont have to compulsarily end in A. Dhoni you try.
MSD:Marais Erasmus?
ME:Ah both of you are wrong. S is silent in Marais Dhoni.
SKT:hey lets come to a decision
MSD:You dont speak, you could have got me unbanned, I ll make them make u umpire in a match in pak, if you give wrong decision, they ll cut your hand
Sehwag:Hey Dhoni, I have an idea, I will pray that this match is abandoned, then the match ll actually happen
MSD:Aaah, so what is the conclusion now Sanga?
Sanga:See if we were 82/2 we will continue, but 5 wickets is too much, and we have a valid excuse, and I would like to cash in.
MSD:I am sorry am saying this but, I can totally understand why Pakistan team did what they did to you.. anyway meet you in Bangladesh, atleast there will be a competitive team there.

PS:Seriously, they could have played some unofficial t20 match just for spectators sake with just spinners or something.. it was not like there were wide cracks where players will fall in.